Distractions are becoming the hallmark of Bola Ahmed Tinubu’s paradise. They inhibit our capacity to enjoy the new Nigerian we were said to have voted to savour. Although on the governance front, it would appear that only Yoruba people can deliver Tinubu’s dream of a new Nigeria. It’s a Yoruba presidency, but with altruistic considerations, a few fringe tribes are sprinkled in to make it appealing – much like coleslaw.
Sorry northerners. Actually, take that back; apologies quite unnecessary. For the eight years that Sai Baba was in office, Arewa people made the other tribes see wien. Buhari laid the foundation of nepotism on which Tinubu is building using BUA and not Dangote cement. Idi Amin once told the Asians he was expelling from Uganda that what is good for the Jews is also good for Uganda. To the Yoruba race, it is their turn and Ọmọ Olódó idẹ – the one with the bronze mortar from ìsàlẹ Eko is putting his kinsmen above everyone else in strategic appointments.
From special advisers to heads of agencies, the Yorùbá have never had it so rosy. They are in charge of security; they head the anti-corruption agencies and the judisharing and by the latest appointments, there are Yoruba bloods in the ITF, NEPZA, NEPC, FRCN (not the radio arm) and NADDC. For once in many years, the official language of business of the ruling class at the villa has switched from Hausa to Yoruba.
Nothing strange here, two northern stars justified this type of troublem. Nasir el-Rufai once asked those who critique his favouritism towards his family to wait until their turn to favour their enemies above family. Saint Buhari bluntly defended his nepotistic appointments in eight years with the logic that he could not justify giving equal opportunities to those who gave him less than five per cent at the polls. These philosophies would soon come to play here. Bayo Onanuga, the ethnic irredentist who warned non-Yorubas against ‘interfering with Lagos elections’, is finally on board.
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Nigerians desire good governance even if it means elevating Odùduwà Republic as the overriding national interest. As long as we talk about these things, we agree that the verdict of the national broadcaster, the BBC on Tinubu’s certificate saga, is the whole truth. No other evidence, real or imagined matters.
One major distraction is the privilege of dinning at the burgeoning Nyesom Wike Soup Kitchen. To stew-pid abroadians who hardly keep tab of happenings at home, our FCT minister is challenging Hilda Baci to her culinary crown. Tinubu should have made Wike the Minister for Enjoyment and Happiness. I am not sure Rochas Okorocha would have sued for plagiarism. Hilda cooked into the Guinness Book of Records without sharing a morsel with those in government. Wike started with a nomadic band in Port Harcourt tackling his real and perceived foes before gradually cooking himself into national distraction.
He started at the Presidential Villa with an invite to Femi Gbajabiamila, Tinubu’s chief of staff. Last week he invited Olubukola Saraki, a man of like passion to his kitchen where aprons are not part of the cooking procedure. Who knows who is next – they could be the victims of his demolitions. Whoever is next on the roster, one thing is certain – whenever Wike hangs his political gloves, he has a culinary franchise with his name on it. My guess is that it’ll be called Wike’s Soup Kitchen.
The most strident distraction of the past week is not the burgeoning trouble between Abraham’s children, it was another drama involving the Nigerian military. We all know how our security chiefs prefer to negotiate with terrorists than annihilate them. We are likely to be able to teach the Israeli and the Palestinians a few things that they might not be willing to learn if we are asked. War is a loser’s game.
It was absolutely disturbing watching proceedings at the 8-man court marshal trying another hero – Major-General Umar Mallam Mohammed. In case you have never heard of him, he was not General Adeniyi, the soldier that exposed Nigeria’s lacklustre war against a rag-tag army of religious zealots called Boko Haram insurgents.
Not at all. He was the former Managing Director of the Nigerian Army Properties Limited, one of the many mushroom agencies created by the system for job for the boys. General Mohammed’s enemies concocted an 18-count charge of corruption and embezzlement against him when he broke his neck from carrying dollarized sums that would make even Godwin Emefiele faint.
At his sentencing at the posh Officers Mess in Asokoro, a suburb of Abuja, this gallant guardian of dollars presented a pitiable spectacle only known to soldiers that have seen the horrors of battle. Indeed, he has. Pulled from battle to manage the army’s properties, he misread the signal believing that he was called to come and siphon the funds.
From the 18 count charges read against him, he must have siphoned over 2.5 million in American dollars in addition to the miserly N900 million local currency. Little wonder that he appeared at the court with a neckbrace and on a wheelchair. That amount of money would break anybody’s neck in whatever denomination it was packed for him to have stolen it. Not only the neck, but also the legs because he was wheeled to the venue.
Since God works in mysterious ways, until Ayo Fayose who demonstrated how a neckbrace could leave its wearer ‘in sifia pains’, this General demonstrated military durability as he was well able to move his neck with relative ease. Unlike Dino Meleye who dropped from a cactus tree and had to be dragged by the police, this chap sat comfortably in his wheelchair without betraying any physical discomfort.
The military judges were not impressed, which is rather sad for esprit de corps. James Myam, the chairman of the tribunal, also a major-general betrayed no emotions as he ordered the convict to pay back the various sums of money he stole.
Sociologists say that heavy Greenbacks could break a person’s neck, while stealing naira only breaks their resolve to walk. It is expected that Abuja’s traditional bone setters would set to work to ensure that this convicted general is able to regain the strength in his neck and feet to return the money he stole.
However, given antecedents, it would not be unusual if our dear General Mohammed is allowed to serve his sentence in hospital like Maiden Ibru. If the wicked decide to send him to a proper prison, he must have enough resources to ensure that it is not a jail term with hard labour. A man putting the kind of money he is said to have stolen as deposit in any of Naija’s wonder banks would have made enough interests that returning the initial deposit does nothing to his bottom line.
When these distractions are out of the way, there would be other scandals to chew on. General Mohammed is the second of his ilk to be tried for sleaze. With officers like this, how can the military win the war against insurgency? Let’s drop that for a wild guess on who sits next at Nyesom Wike’s Soup Kitchen.