On parentification

Today, I learned the word, ‘parentification.’ “Parentification occurs when a child takes on developmentally inappropriate levels of responsibility for their family’s emotional, physical and/or mental well-being. This reverse parenting results in them becoming caregivers before they’re physically, mentally, or emotionally ready for such responsibility.” In our Nigerian context, it’s when a child – especially a first-born girl- is forced to bypass their childhood to co-parent their younger siblings. Or as some would say, become the Deputy Mother.

This is not to be confused with children of the same age working as maids, looking after their employers’ children who in some cases are their peers. The latter is something I have spoken on several times and won’t be rehashing it here beyond just reiterating that it is a terrible, terrible practice. And like parentification, shouldn’t be allowed to endure.

Every child deserves to be a child for as long as they are children. They are not mini-adults and shouldn’t be treated as such. They shouldn’t be caregivers. That is not to say that children shouldn’t be given age-appropriate responsibilities in the home, ‘age-appropriate’ being the operational word.  The viral clip of the child-mother – a kid who looks no older than six or seven- carrying her baby sibling on her back and scolding another younger one she’d just admitted to “slapping” for some infraction, and the reactions to the clip are concerning, and are indictments on us as Nigerians and how we force children to grow before their time.

Some have said that the video was a skit. Yet the reactions to it – folks recollecting how they, in their childhood were responsible for their siblings, even to the extent of being punished if their younger siblings misbehaved while on their watch- are real and concerning. While some condemned it, rightfully, others claimed sibling-focused parentification is the way we do things, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

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There is everything wrong with it. For starters, the fact of its normalisation. Folks insisting on its “rightness,” even in the face of adult victims of it confessing in the thread of the OP how they suffered (and still suffer) because of it. To continue a practice just because it’s the way things have always been done is not to understand that cultures and norms are subject to us, humans and not the other way around. If we were hostage to “the way things are done,” we’d still be killing twins for example.

However, much more concerning is that parentified children are robbed of their innocence and the joys of a period in their lives that is supposed to be carefree, filled with play and transitioning gradually into adulthood. According to experts, when a child is forced to assume adult responsibilities too early, they miss out on critical stages of emotional and psychological development. That transition no longer happens gradually or in a healthy manner. This can lead to a range of issues, including anxiety, depression, and an inability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

Furthermore, the normalisation of this practice perpetuates a cycle of trauma. These children, who are often forced into roles of responsibility far beyond their years, grow up without the proper tools to navigate adulthood, and many may end up repeating the cycle with their own children.

Besides, as it is mostly girl-children who are parentified, it is also a societal issue, reflecting deeply ingrained beliefs about gender roles and the value (or lack thereof) placed on girls. In many cases, the practice is rooted in the idea that girls are naturally more nurturing and thus should be the ones to take on these roles. This not only reinforces harmful gender stereotypes but also places an undue burden on girls, limiting their opportunities and potential from a very young age. And creating what someone on Twitter referred to as the aggressive traits of first-born girls.

I understand that there are situations where older siblings have, as a matter of necessity, to take on roles they are not old enough to, but the necessity of it doesn’t immunise them from the effects of being parentified. As a society, we must do better. We need to create environments where children are allowed to simply be children, where they are free to grow, learn, and play without the weight of adult responsibilities. We need to recognise the long-term damage that practices like parentification can cause and work collectively to ensure that every child has the chance to experience a full and happy childhood.  There is enough time to adult. We shouldn’t force our children or other people’s children to become adults before their time.  It is neither right nor healthy.