Dear Nabila,
Honestly, I’m fed up with my husband’s addiction to his mobile phone; I’m tired of sharing my husband with unknown people on the internet.
I cannot compete with some superficial empty headed women trolling on social media.
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I rather have a real co-wife than this constant frustration of being replaced by a mobile phone.
Please, help and suggest some ways that can take my husband’s attention off his smart phone.
-Replaced by phone
Dear Replaced,
Firstly, make sure your husband is really addicted to his phone by looking up the signs and symptoms of phone addiction.
As you might know, phone addiction is a mental illness as serious as any other and might escalate and start affecting the emotional and physical well being of the individual; so, it is very important to make sure you got the right problem before attempting to solve it because, what might seems like addiction to you might turn out to be something entirely different.
Find out the ‘why’ that is responsible for your husband’s addiction; what got him so hooked to his mobile phone?
What trauma, heartbreak, guilt or emotional neglect is fuelling that detrimental habit in your husband?
The next step is educating yourself about phone addiction; reading everything you can find on the subject especially as regard to treatment and helping a loved one ease out from it grasps.
Apply all you learned; instill in yourself tremendous patience and hold on; do not get tired or annoyed until you start seeing some real changes and hold on some more until your purpose is achieved!
Stop nagging or expressing your annoyance in a negative way; try not to hold a grudge against him because of this negative habit.
Remind yourself that no matter how much he is hurting you, it is not intentional; he is not doing it deliberately in order to hurt you or injure your relationship; it is something that got hold of him and is difficult to extricate away.
Most addicts are in such a high cloud enjoying their addiction that they are not aware about it; that is why it takes tremendous patience and effort to make them realize the danger they are in.
Create and maintain a weekly husband and wife meeting where you sit, just the two of you, and discuss important aspects of your marital life, problems and how to solve them, etc.
Make it like a normal office meeting with desk and chairs, refreshment and all the paraphernalia needed.
Find a proper space for the meeting away from any distractions; no TV set, mobile phone or laptop.
Make your husband’s phone addiction and yours too if you have any as one of the main topics of discussion.
Keep record of progress made weekly or lapses if any.
Discuss and establish a ‘no phone rule’ for certain times and particular occasions in your house; you can use this opportunity to choose a ‘no phone rule’ that you know will lessen your husband’s attachment to his phone; always close your meeting with gratitude and prayers for each other.
People become addicts mostly in order to fill up the void of emotional intimacy in their lives, so it’s very important to create and maintain activities that will increase closeness between you and your husband and your whole family in general.
Establish and maintain a weekly husband and wife time, where you participate in activities just the two of you such as dressing up and going for dinner, picnic, trekking, sports, visits to friends and relatives, or just sit down for a nice and friendly chat.
You can also create such activities for the whole family to enjoy and have fun, such as family day out, trekking, visiting extended family members, charity outing, daily reading time at home, games, etc.
Such activities will increase closeness and intimacy among your family and might help reduce your husband’s attachment to his phone especially if you are able to find and include things in his area of interest.
Once his intimacy needs are met, he won’t feel the constant need to connect with others on the internet.
Perhaps the best thing that will help you is not minding so much about this addiction; don’t let it disturb you and steal away your peace of mind.
Remind yourself that your husband is his own individual before becoming your husband; this addiction has nothing to do with you but everything to do with his personality and individuality.
Right now, that is how his mind and brain works and it’s not something that will change immediately; it will take internal will and effort from him more than anything; you need to have this mindset to be able to help your husband effectively.
Don’t mind about those ‘empty headed women’ of the social media; if your husband is indeed chatting or relating with them in whatever ways or levels, remember they are only the means that bring out the worst in him; so deep down, they mean nothing to him; while you complete and compliment his life, you bring out the best of him so you mean everything to him.
Keep reminding yourself about this as it will help you to not give up your effort of helping him, and it will fuel your intention to keep doing it wholeheartedly until you achieve your purpose.
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