Would you rather be the other woman?

I don’t know where to classify myself anymore, because my life has taken many turns since I became involved with this man. Being the other woman was everything that I wanted at one point in my life, because he was everything that I could ask for in a man. I never felt like the other woman, because his married life never clashed with my life.

“But whenever he is not with me, I never feel the same as I often wonder if he is with his wife or not. Most times when he is at home, I can’t call him because he is with his wife and I feel bitter about the whole thing. Please, tell me how I can go about this pain that I face on a daily basis,” reads a message sent to Womanhood mailbox last week.

Many men swear that they love their wife, but they are men and they need other women! For this category of men, the other woman seems to make them feel good. They like to say that they are after all discreet and that the relationships are not real ones, but just a way of having fun outside their homes. Most of this category of men insists that they love their wives. “If I did not love my wife in the first place, I will not still be with her.”

The idea of being the other woman is a very difficult and deceitful thing to do to oneself and has been around since the beginning of time through decades to present modern times. There are many sensible single ladies who would never get involved with a married man, but many would rather opt for that life of deceit thinking that they are the solutions to the man’s marital woes. But in reality, this is way far from the truth; but then, many are blind and selfish and willingly accept the role of the other woman!

Many of such women believe that they are the man’s saviour; they are easily bought into the lies of the man that he needs to be rescued from his nagging and boring wife. However, the truth often reveals that the wife is a mature, attractive and responsible woman whose only fault was in choosing a lying and dishonourable husband.

When you are the other woman, you get a false sense of having a competitive edge by rationalising that if he is pursuing you, then you must be better than his wife and irreplaceable to him. As months and years go by and he has not left his wife–or spent enough time with you–you finally realise that you can never be the one, so every reasonable person will retrace her steps and strive to be the woman in someone’s life and not the other woman!

To answer the sender of the mail to Womanhood, you being jealous anytime he is with his wife means you will always be jealous, because he was never yours in the first place. Stop pretending that she doesn’t exist. Stop regarding her as the woman who is standing in the way of your being with the guy that is rightfully yours. Start regarding her as human. You need to put yourself in her shoes and realise that you have no right to regard her as the intruder since you are the other woman in her husband’s life!

You also need to be real about what you are doing. The damage that both parties do in this deceitful relationship is untold. In order for you to be with him for your snatched times together, you deduct time from her, get him to lie repeatedly, and like all cheats, he is emotionally unavailable to both of you. Yes, agreed that he did the ‘I love you,’ but like most men who are having their cake and eating it too, he talks a bloody good game, but as soon as he walks out that door of yours, it is out of sight and out of mind, since men like that do not really mean what they say.

Another thing you need to ask yourself is what is in it for you being the other woman? When you’re the Other Woman, you regard the smallest things as big. If a guy who didn’t have a girlfriend or wife did those things, you’d think he was having a laugh. But in reality, the good stuff is tipped severely in his direction and he reaps all the benefits whilst your own life goes down the toilet, or at the very least, remains in limbo.

You should understand that your position in this relationship of three as the other woman and not the man’s wife. You should understand that being the other woman is very tricky and it is very easy to be heartbroken, particularly if you get to great heights of emotion. As the other woman, you should realise that there are some things the man will not be able to give to you, so don’t be fooled that he will leave his entire family for your sake. So ask yourself if being the other woman is worth it in the first place.

If you have any sense of self worth, don’t go banking on being the other woman forever. Get the commitment you want and have the starring role in the relationship. Take those tinted glasses off your eyes lady, as you need to let go. If he really loves you, he will put himself in a position to properly be with you. Do not let him convince you that he is the best thing that can ever happen to you. You are better off on your own than playing second fiddle or second best!