This week, we are taking a different dimension as we are discussing a man’s problem which in every way also involves women.
Mr. Dayo (not real name) asks: “My wife died more than a year ago. Her best friend stepped in to help with our two kids. She’s always around when needed and God knows I needed help all the while she stepped in. she has always been there for the children and I. along the line we grew closer and got attracted to each other. My friends, family and even children are kicking against it. They keep telling me it is morally wrong for us to get married. What wrong will I be doing by getting married to her?”
Losing a partner is sure not an easy experience for anyone. It is grieving period that cannot be explained.
Temilade Adegbite, a 37-year-old pharmacist, suggests that the man in question should think of his children first before he rushes into another marriage. “It’s only been about a year since his wife died, has he mourned his late wife properly? Or he has spent most of his time being comforted by her friend? What if this lady’s motive for being there for him was so she could just get to him? Or maybe she has even had her eyes on him since his wife was alive,” Adegbite noted.
“I would advise he gives it time. This love he has for her, is it genuine love or because she is always around him? There’s a lot he should look into. He is still seeking comfort out of remembering his wife. He should put himself in the shoes of his children. How would he feel if his dad had moved on with life that fast if his mum had died when he was a child? Personally, wrong timing,” she stated.
Hamida Abdullahi, a 36-year-old nurse, says: “the problem there is that they were best friends and I can consider that they would be like sisters. Seriously people might think her death was planned so that he marry her, most of all I would say she didn’t love her friend that much after all because if she did she would have dignity and respect for her and her children. I just hope she wasn’t loving you while your wife was still around?”
Thirty-eight-year-old banker Amaka Daniel says: “I am sure the problem is not with him marrying again; but rather with the person he intends to marry. As a woman, I believe it’s not a wise idea to marry your best friend’s husband after her death. It is societally unacceptable.”
She adds that: “The children have known her all this while as their mother’s best friend and all of a sudden she replaces their mother. Those are emotional cords he should not strike. The lady in question could have helped without getting involved with the man. It means even if her friend was alive and just travelled, she would have had an affair with him.”
Amaka advised that: “I would advise he does not marry her as he is taking a decision while he is still healing. This is an emotional phase in his life. He should give himself time and he will realise that he does not love her but only feels indebted to her.”
Chinwe Kalu, a 37-year-old-civil servant, says: “When death is involved emotions are raw. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with marrying her. Where is it written regarding the appropriate duration one can mourn a spouse? Why can’t it be her best friend? The children know her and will accept her because she has been there for them since their mum died. The kids also need a woman in their lives. This is an aunty they have always known. I would advise he follows his heart not unfounded social norms.”
Forty-year-old teacher Victoria Thompson notes that: “If she was really a best friend, she would never agree to marry you not in a million years to come.”
Marriage counsellor, Pastor Mrs. Chika Emmanuel observes that: “I think he just feels vulnerable. He should give himself time. It’s okay to remarry, but definitely not his late wife’s best friend. There are a lot of lovely single ladies out there, if only he takes time to look. But the most important question is has he healed from his loss?”
She adds that: “If he hasn’t now isn’t the right time to think of marrying another woman and her best friend for that matter, no African society will take it likely. I would suggest he avoids all the drama as neither he nor his children need it now.”
