Working towards an everlasting marriage

At a recent gathering of women, discussion on family values and how a woman can make an impact in the society took the centre stage. Both the old and the not so old women spoke on how they have managed to maintain the spark in their respective marriages. Interestingly, some of these marriages have lasted for more than two decades, or even more. These ‘older and wiser’ women as they were called took their listeners down memory lane and shared their heart touching experiences, just as they offered useful advices for the younger generation. This week, we are going to share some of these advices with our numerous audiences.
Many marriages are faced with problems so much so that people think some of the unions were never meant to last in the first place. This may be as a result of some incompatibilities noticed or the insincerity of the couples in the build up to their marriages. But the fact is: no marriage is completely immune to one form of misunderstanding or the other from time to time. According to counselors, all marriages deserve a second chance when in crisis. They opine that couples should not give up on the good memories they had while things were good in the marriage. Remember that marriages become stronger after misunderstanding between spouses. Think of your marriage as something that is meant to last forever, work through problems, and don’t throw your marriage away easily. Put God first in your marriage and every other thing will fall in place.
“When one is faced by a challenge in his marriage, throwing in the towel should be the last resort. As the saying goes, ‘He who fights and run away, lives to fight another day.’ In other words, if you notice a problem, you face it squarely and try to solve it instead of quitting. Remember that love was the reason why you came to live together and if it can happen to your first love, it certainly can happen again, may be even worse than the first one,” says Fatima Mahmoud, a mother of three.
“When in a terrible situation in a marriage, we all look for someone to relate our problems to. Most times we go to our friends who in turn might make things worse for us by instigating us into doing something dangerous to the marriage. It is wiser and better to choose someone older that you both trust to seek advice from because they have more experience than you do or your friend. Again don’t wait until you are at a breaking point before seeking for help,” says Mrs. Nkiru Okoye, a principal at a private school.
Communication is essential in any marriage. It is important that spouses learn to communicate and not hold any grudge against each other. Couples should let their partners know when they are hurt by their actions. Don’t bottle things up and wait for revenge. Conflicts are bound to come up in marriages, it is important to admit when you are wrong and he is right. “Most women have pride, let go of your pride and acknowledge his opinion even if you have a different opinion from his and then let him see your own point of view by explaining your opinion. It is important to cooperate with each other; we all disagree to agree for what is best for the marriage and family. Compromise also falls in this category. For any successful marriage, compromise and forgiveness cannot be left out” says Hajia Adama Ibrahim, a consultant gynecologist.
“Patience is the core of every marriage,” says Hajiya Ramatu Yakubu a civil servant, adding that “As a wife, you need to be very patient if you need your marriage to work. No marriage is perfect, every marriage has its ups and downs but you have to have patience running in your veins. We have been taught to make our husbands our first priority. We are always told that our reward comes from heaven.”
In other to cultivate patience we have to learn to overlook little things and let them go. We have to pretend not to see a lot of things because if we have to react to everything we see our husbands doing, then we are never going to stop nagging. And moreover, we will always be in a hypertensive mood.
Men love their respect and some wives mistake giving men their respect for slavery. “Some women are fond of equating themselves with their husbands in the marriage. When you do this, you are killing the mutual bond and intimacy between you two. Men love to be respected. Wives should not use disrespectful words when talking with husbands, it really kills their morale. Even if you earn more than he does or you are the bread winner of the home, you need to still give home his respect” Never go to bed angry as this only worsens the situation. All grudges should be settled before going to bed,” says Dr. Mrs Anike Thomas.
Last but most importantly, don’t and never look down on yourself simply because you are a stay at home mum. “Being a stay at home mum and wife is the most difficult job in the world, so you should be proud to be one, if you find yourself in that situation. Never feel bad that you are a stay at home mum; it’s the best job any women can hope for. Most women don’t realize it and think it’s the worst job for any modern day lady,” says Hajiya Bilkisu Muhammed, who is a stay at home mum and has been married for thirty three years.