Unknowingly, as adults, they use words which do not come across as detrimental to them on their kids. This could lead to low self-esteem in the children which they could carry through to adulthood. Without meaning to offend or run down their kids, a seemingly harmless remark from a parent could do much more damage to the child. It could do grave injustice to the child’s self worth and assurance.
In anger, it is possible for you to say things to the child to express the depth of your anger and in the process hurt him/her far more than their actions have hurt you. It therefore calls for you to be cautious with your word usage and think before you begin to rain insults on your child.
A popular word/line used by many parents is, ‘I don’t know why you don’t behave like your brother/sister or the neighbour’s child; ‘You’re good for nothing’, ‘Bastard’ and similar references. In doing this, you bring about inferiority complex in the child and make him to feel that he is unacceptable by the way he is and a lesser human being than those you expect him to behave like.
You should know that when you compare siblings, it may provoke sibling rivalry. Rather than compare one child to another or to a stranger and point out his flaws and shortcomings, focus on the child and seek ways in which he can improve without bringing another child in as yardstick or role model for improvement. Speaking one-on-one with the child and discussing his/her problems will be more beneficial to helping him/her improve.
In order to rid themselves of the worrisome nature of children, parents oftentimes brush them off, saying things like, ‘Don’t you see I am busy and don’t have time for you now; ‘Don’t worry me, I beg’ and such expressions. When their parents return home from a trip, work or an outing, children seem eager to reel out their experiences in school or with friends or their siblings. They do not understand that parents are tired and need to rest or at least be given some time to settle down.
Irritable as this may seem, it is not the intention of your child to get on your nerves. In as much as you have other responsibilities, the needs of children never end. It is therefore necessary for you to spend time alone with them and interact. Creating chat time with your kids on a regular basis helps to develop self-confidence with the attention you give them at such times. Instead of brushing them off or shouting them down, explain to them that you need to unwind and rest a bit and then later on or the following day, they can tell you all they want to.
Kids like to feel that they have accomplished something at various levels in their lives and feel sure they can do things correctly. But when a parent ‘admonishes’ them using words like ‘why do you act so immature’ or ‘why can’t you grow up for once’, you deflate them and their enthusiasm to do better and learn from their mistakes. I have heard parents use very strong and psychologically-abusive languages on their young children simply because they broke a plate. This causes instant nervousness and embarrassment once they see their parents approaching even when there is no need for them to feel so. It is a build-up from hearing such words over time that only causes them to make even more mistakes.
Parents should learn to commend at the right time and make corrections without using strong language on their kids. Some parents are also in the habit of teasing their kids as a way of correcting them. It doesn’t work for most kids as they find it an embarrassment, especially when such occurs in the presence of others. Your job is to provide a safe haven for them from the world and to love them. The world can toughen kids up in its own time, so they do not need you to start it in advance.
Also, wrongly supporting your child’s wrong is something he shouldn’t hear you do. Many parents are so guilty of this. It gives the child the wrong impression that even as an adult, he may not be able to decipher good from bad because it is not what he is used to. In praising or commending your child’s good behaviour, it is best to point out the exact thing he/she has done right rather than generalise. It helps the competitiveness in them to develop.
Dr T. Berry Brazelton, professor emeritus of paediatrics, outlines the following repercussions of strong language on kids.
See, I told you so – When children hear this, what was initially an act of independence becomes shrouded in failure and incompetence.
When I was your age – This statement implies that parents were far more advanced at the same age; subsequently, children perceive this comment as a devaluation of their uniqueness.
Because I said so – By saying this, parents assume the role of dictator and children react to tyranny with resistance. Moreover, even if children eventually concede, they will more than likely find a way to retaliate.
Why can’t you be like your sister or brother? – With this comment, parents are conveying that they don’t like the person a child is and want him or her to be like someone else. As a result, the child feels degraded, useless, hopeless and unloved.
If you don’t do what I say, I’m leaving you here – This statement should never be uttered because being abandoned by his or her parents is one of a child’s most terrifying nightmares. (Of course, if children have heard it repeatedly, they will simply laugh it off as a hollow threat and continue misbehaving.)
How could you be so stupid? – This statement burdens children with a negative self-image and their response is either to fight back by repeating their “stupidity” or by attempting to show the parent just how wrong he or she is.
Shut up! – Parents might as well slap a child in the face; this comment is that wounding and emotionally damaging. It can also cause children to become defiant, as well as justifiably angry.
You’ll never get anywhere in life – This comment is devastating to children since it destroys their self-image and results in either their accepting this dictate and feeling hopeless to change or their going on the attack and returning the verbal abuse.
I want you kids to stop fighting, now! – All brothers and sisters fight. It’s part of growing up. It’s also part of the learning process, for in order to become close to one another, children must test each other in every way, including physically. Besides, one of their goals is to get a parent involved, and when children succeed, the dangers of sibling rivalry are significantly increased.
Just as negative words are unbeneficial to the child, positive words can make all the difference.
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