The loss of a loved one is always traumatising. How best can a parent be supportive to a child face the trauma of losing a parent?
Not being financially independent can be very tough, especially for women. Financial independence is very vital for everyone, but when one suddenly loses ones means of livelihood and your partner rubs your dependency in your face, what is the next to take? A young lady who has found herself in this situation narrates her ordeal and seeks help.
“I’m just about four months into my marriage and about 10 weeks pregnant. I lost my job some months to my wedding and now my husband feels I’m a liability to him. Honestly, my life has not been fun since I got married. My husband hardly responds to my personal needs anymore. He never fails to remind me how I am a responsibility to him since I lost my job.”
Mercy Akpan, a 38-year-old teacher wonders: “The only question I have to ask her is that didn’t she notice his bad traits before they got married? I mean the guy obviously has a bad character and not to have noticed any of them seems to me she got into the marriage in haste. I want to believe marriage is meant to even be fun at the early stage, especially the fact that you’re even carrying his first child.”
Thirty-five-year-old biologist, Hafsat Sani, says: “That is the problem with most men nowadays. No true love. And it’s becoming a big problem to working class ladies to know who is actually coming to them for true love and who is coming because of material gains. Ladies should be very careful and watch what actually attracted a guy to them. Check where his emphasis is focused before you say I do. If it is in your money, how much you earn, your job, your assets and worth. Please run away as fast as you can because once you lose those things he will equally lose all regards for you. True men don’t look at what you have if actually he wants you because he truly loves you. True men don’t look at working class or status because they believe they are the man of the house and can provide for the family and careless for what you can do or offer to the upkeep of the home. All these being said I will advise you look for something doing no matter how small and have independence for yourself.”
Amina Dahiru, a 39-year-old lawyer opines that: “This should be an eye opener for most women, who believe that things will change after marriage. Many ladies will notice something in a man but choose to ignore it out of desperation to get married. They will say let me get in first, that after marriage they will change him. But in reality what you couldn’t change in a relationship, forget it once you are married for it will remain like that forever. And if you try to force it, it will cause a big problem. Such instances have led to so many divorces. Desperation is the root cause of all the problems we see in most marriages today. So the earlier ladies believed that what will be will be and stop acting out of desperation the better. Please ladies look before you leap.”
Men weren’t left out of the discussion as Anthony Samson, an architect noted that: “The bottom line of this whole problem is to get financial independence from him. No matter how small it is, start doing something, if you can teach fine if not do petty trading. Don’t wait till you get a lot of money, you can start small and grow on the business. You can get the money from your parents but without revealing what you are going through because no parent will find it funny to know what you are going though, their reaction may worsen your situation.”
Marriage counsellor Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi suggests the troubled lady gets a job except it is medically proven that she can’t work in her condition. “It is true that most men today are afraid of taking full responsibility. Some men also believe in the notion that all responsibilities in the home most be shared, especially when the woman is working. I guess he was of this class and it became worse when she lost her job. To get her mind off his attitude towards her she needs to get some form of independence. On the other hand she should let in someone from his family that he listens to and respects; maybe he will have a change of heart towards her.”
On a lighter note, Hajiya Marayam says there is the need to change the perceived notion that marriage is now based on how much the woman earns or the type of job she has. “It’s surprising to see that some single ladies believe that once they get a job, husbands will come. They believe that men are now running away from the responsibilities. All this being said, it is not true marriage is a joint effort by both partners, but then the men should always take charge of their responsibilities.”
