Why Nigeria should invade Ghana

As a patriot, I am not ashamed to say it’s time for Nigeria to stop this idea of being a big brother to small Ghana. We should stop letting them make a laughing stock of us with their silly reforms. Imagine a small Ghana that discovered crude oil just yesterday now telling the world it is embarking on cost-saving measures. Who saves costs when the price of oil mocks the price of Russian gold? As celebrity big brother, Nigeria has never benefitted from its generosity to Ghana.

For instance, how many times have we helped the Ghanaians save face by letting them beat us at continental football competitions when we are masters of the game of leather? We have nothing to learn from Ghana that seems to have been established just for the sole purpose of making a crawling Nigeria run. 

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I have a great idea of how to stop the Ghanaians once and for all; we should invade them. We shouldn’t have trouble convincing the folks at the UN why we did it because we are the Americans of Africa. We should invade to liberate it from itself but most especially to rescue its citizens from its stingy leaders.

Nigeria knew it was not ready to shake off the yoke of colonialism when precocious Ghana rushed to discharge the British from its shores. Then, just as we were consolidating on democracy, the Ghanaians jettisoned theirs and embraced coups. We jumped in only for these Ghanaians to change gear again repenting of their murder of democracy. They lined up their past anarchists and shot them at the stakes. Nigeria would never do that to its ruiners because we respect human wrongs.

God forbade that we had executed Saint Muhammadu Buhari, sage Ibrahim Babangida or wizard Olusegun Obasanjo. We would have lost Babangida’s consultation on the consolidation of democracy Obasanjo’s heckling and today the sage from Daura. We are wiser than the Ghanaians.

Recently, Ghanaians trooped and occupied Accra protesting a miserly tax on electronic transactions. Nana Akufo-Addo was afraid of letting the blood of his compatriots flow Lekki-style even when the world was not watching. Without the flowing of innocent blood, the unwashed masses would never respect constituted authority.

Since Ghana discovered oil, it has turned parsimony into state policy. They would not host an African festival. They offered no Udoji award for their civil servants. Instead, they have discovered a dozen leakages in their spending patterns that they plan to block.

According to those who rank Nigeria’s jollof rice over and above anything cooked with Adum Benso palm oil, Ghana plans to concretely reduce discretionary spending costs by 30 per cent within 12 months. Imagine an oil-rich nation issuing fuel vouchers and cutting it by half! Dear beggarly Ghanaians – we don’t do vouchers, we do dumps!

Ghana steals Nigeria’s glory. Years back, Peugeot Automobile assembled cars in Kaduna, today bandits assemble corpses there. Volkswagen, Toyota and Nissan were here until the wicked Ghanaians magnetised them to Accra. Last year, President Nana Akufo-Addo shamelessly welcomed Toyota to Ghana. The Koreans are moving there later this year and Ghana is carping the wanton importation of the rejects of Europe, North America, Australia and Asia with its suspension of imported automobiles. Tokunbo cars are Ghana’s equivalent of Ghana’s obroni wawu – properties of dead white people. What exactly is Ghana trying to prove – love for the environment, hatred of pollutants or a reduction of its carbon footprints?

If care is not taken, Innoson Motors would start lobbying at a time when the WTO is headed by our own daughter – Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. Nigeria respects agreements. We assure Ghana that President Buhari would do nothing to reduce the length of the privilege of his convoy. Only the Queen Elizabeth of England travels in such splendour.

Ghana is suspending foreign travels except for pre-approved ones. This is so silly, even my frugal ex-columnist, Adamu Adamu is sniggering at the thought of not being able to visit a convalescing Buhari in his favourite London hideout.

The Ghanaians who are a miserly 32 million in numbers plan to eliminate ghost workers. People, the entire Ghanaian evil service is way below one million! How many ghosts could hide under a million workers except people who die in the East Coast only to resurrect as workers in Accra. I bet every cedi in Ecobank Ghana, that Yahaya Bello has made more millionaires of ghost workers than entire Ghana. No country beats Nigeria in the appointment of dead people into living posts except the exorcists of governance necromancy.

Apparently, Ghana’s ruling clique is afraid of history. They are placing a moratorium on new projects pending the completion of age-old ones. Imagine what that would have done to Ajaokuta Steel Company and its capacity to give ministry officials the power to steal. Imagine its impact on the many Shagari housing projects handed over to rats, rodents and snakes as natural landlords on the cost of housing.

Ghana wants to stop establishing new public sector institutions at a time when President Buhari is eager to win the global laurel for granting licenses for the establishment of more universities and burying the old ones. Nigeria might lose its big brother status if it opens the gates to its pioneer universities to their full potential and disrupt ASUU, NASU and NANS from strikes. Foolish Ghanaians would even suffer the most because Nigerian cash flowing to Ghana’s functional universities has kept them afloat. Nigeria sacrifices quality for the quantity of mushroom private universities.

An exited Adeola Fayehun, one of Nigeria’s best vlog exports announces that Ghana’s 46 ministers signed off thirty per cent of their salaries to keep the nation’s economy afloat. This showboating at a time when the price of crude is higher than Russian gold does not move Nigerian ministers whose neglect kill, maim and entrap unwary citizens while they run stadium laps to show their agility to run the nation down if selected.

From the desks of the award-winning trio of Femi Adesina, Lai Mohammed and Garba Shehu, Nigeria is watching you with Buhari’s evil eye. It is waiting for you to behave yourself or it may finally live up to its threat that – Ghana Must Go. We may not have copied America’s governance dynamism with its constitution, we are neither afraid nor incapable of liberating you from your dreams the way America liberated Iraq from Saddam Hussein, Syria from Bashar al-Assad, Afghanistan from the Taliban and now Ukraine from its big brother. What’s more, we are capable of taking you down before you turn us into a byword and a laughing stock as a big-for-nothing failed state.

Buhari has this Akufo-Igo (broken bottle) revolution in Accra in derision. While Ghana showboats on its governance potential, peaceful Nigeria is donating money to worthy global causes like the reconstruction of Afghanistan. Because, in the end, like loneliness; failed states need company. When Ukraine comes to its senses, Nigeria would help out with loans from either the IMF or the Paris Club or even generous China. As it is written, a good government tests the acumen of its successors by living huge debts behind not playing parsimony.