Is it wrong for a wife to ask her sister in-law to cook? Likewise is it right for a sister in-law to warn her elder brother’s wife? Why is it so difficult for women to understand that we need each other?
Bukola (not real name) wants to understand where she went wrong. She is a young woman staying with her brother and his wife: “I’m a single lady in my late 20s. I moved into my elder brother’s house in February. We lived in peace and I did almost everything in the house until one morning, when I was still sleeping, his wife woke me up to go and cook. I warned her never to try it again. Since then it has been problem upon problem. What was it I did wrong as people keep telling me that I am a woman and will marry tomorrow? As a woman, should I then be quiet and be a push around?”
It is believed that there would always be clashes between wives and in- laws no matter how peaceful the home may be. Is this true? Where do wives go wrong and where do in-laws over step their boundaries? Womanhood obtained a cross section of reactions on the issue.
Mjirayo Adewale, a 36-year-old economist says: “People forget that accommodation issues can be frustrating; notwithstanding, the woman has no right to wake her sister in-law up to cook. I will advise the lady to try to get a place of her own as soon as possible. I think at her age it’s not healthy and peaceful to live with her brother and his family. On the other hand, she should take things easy though.”
Suzzie Daniel, a 34-year-old nurse, wonders the kind of respect the wife expects from her sister in-law after such a treatment: “What kind of respect does she think her sister in-law will give her? She crossed her bounds by going to wake her up to cook. Respect is reciprocal. Wouldn’t she cook if her sister in-law wasn’t at home? People should stop taking advantage of others. That she is a woman doesn’t mean she is a slave.”
Thirty-five-year-old lawyer, Halima Gidado says: “There are two sides to every story. She said she ‘warned her’ which to me sounds like someone who was waiting for her sister in-law to do something wrong. Come to think of it, warning her sister in-law in her own home; that to me says it all. I can’t warn my brother’s wife, not even younger brother, not to talk of elder brother, unless it’s a random issue. Since they have been living in peace, asking her to cook for the first time shouldn’t have been an issue for the sister in-law. The fact is that the young woman already had a mindset that her brother’s wife is a bad woman based on hear-say before going to live with them, which is wrong. She should understand that warning her elder brother’s wife equally translates to warning her elder brother. And to think that after the warning she expects to live in peace in the same house. She must be kidding. The earlier she understands that there can’t be two captains in a ship the better.”
Safura Halidu, a 32-year-old pharmacist says: “She was wrong to have warned the madam of the house. My mum taught me to either tolerate people in their homes or leave their houses, that never should it be mentioned that I reported a wife to her spouse. I intend to pass it on to my children. Let the wife be a witch it’s still her space. Besides, we were raised differently; some women can’t just tolerate another person around them. If she tolerated you for all the days you never cooked then she is liberal. She should please check herself and adjust to the madam’s rules.”
But 35-year-old pharmacist Chinwe Chukwu disagrees: “Respect is reciprocal. First I agree it’s her house, her space and all that, but what was her manner of approach while waking her sister in-law up? Did she do it aggressively or lovingly? I don’t support her sister in-law warning her at all. For me I would say they were both wrong. Whether we women, married or single agree, we need each other.
“A married woman should respect her husband and that also means respecting his family likewise the sister in-law who respects her brother will also respect his wife. Women in all of this we need ‘wisdom.’ Let’s not tilt our judgment to one side. Whatever the case; what we sow, we reap. That is what we should all understand as women.”
Thirty-eight-year accountant Hadiza Ahmed notes that: “Whenever I go to anybody’s house and I am asked to do something, even if I don’t like it or the message seems demeaning for my person, I still try to take courage and do it without arguing; why? I always tell myself ‘it’s your house and your rules and as long as I am under your roof I have to abide by them. Someday, she too will become a madam and understand how it feels.
“I grew up and was taught to help out anywhere I stay irrespective of my status there. It’s an honour for my elder brother’s wife to tell me to cook breakfast in her house. All this boils down to ego, being married to your elder brother’s wife doesn’t mean she too is a slave and cannot ask you to assist in the home. The earlier single and married ladies understand that we all for each other the better.
