Why Do Marriages Fail?

By Zayd Ibn Isah

I recently witnessed two divorce cases in court that made me feel sad for the institution of marriage and its present state in today’s world. In the first case, the husband initiated the divorce on the grounds that his wife had called his late mother a witch and accused her of poisoning her. In the second case, the wife filed for divorce, citing instances of domestic violence.

What is peculiar about both of these cases is that, in the first, when the Honourable Justice asked the lawyers whether they had made efforts to reconcile the two parties, the wife’s lawyer said his client was open to reconciliation, but the husband was not. In the second case, the Honourable Justice asked a similar question, but this time, the husband was open to reconciliation while the wife said she could no longer endure being the man’s “punching bag.”

Although both grounds for divorce are understandable—I, for one, would not tolerate insults toward the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months, nor would I tolerate domestic violence against my sister or daughter—what is heartbreaking is how these people, who were once in love, now cannot even see eye to eye. To think that neither party felt reluctant about revealing the other’s secrets in court: indeed, love can make the strangest enemies out of two people.

In the first case, the wife brought their daughter to court, but the latter was excused as the proceedings were about to begin to spare her the emotional trauma of seeing her parents in the witness box, tearing each other apart. As the young girl made her way out of the court, I couldn’t help but feel the weight of the situation. Watching her parents’ love unravel in such a public and painful way must have been an unimaginable burden for her. It highlighted the collateral damage caused when marriages break down.

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These cases reflect the painful reality that when marriages fail, it not only affects the couple but also those around them, especially children. In both cases, the women complained about how the fathers had essentially abandoned the children, leaving the responsibility of caring for them entirely in their hands.

Sadly, Nigeria happens to be among the countries with the highest divorce rates, according to recent statistics from Divorce.com, a United States website that provides a platform for couples navigating life before or after divorce. The website placed Nigeria eleventh on its list of twenty-six countries with high divorce rates, stating that Nigeria’s divorce rate reached 2.9 percent in 2023. This translates to 1.8 divorces per 1,000 people in the same year.

What’s even more troubling is that this high divorce rate exists despite the fact that both Islam and Christianity strongly frown upon divorce. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was quoted as saying, “The most hated of permissible things in the eyes of Allah is divorce.” Unfortunately, divorce has become very common among the Muslim community today. Similarly, conservative Christians, who traditionally discouraged divorce, now increasingly see it as a better alternative to domestic violence and infidelity.

Divorce.com also noted that in a country like Nigeria, the stability of a marriage primarily depends on factors like religion, extended family ties, and cultural values. Marriage is highly valued, and the stigmatization of divorce helps sustain the intense social pressure to maintain marriages, even in the face of difficulties.

However, times are changing. For one, conservative Christians, who have long frowned upon divorce and encouraged couples to seek reconciliation, now increasingly see it as a better option than domestic violence and infidelity. Additionally, Divorce.com mentioned that in some parts of Nigeria, if a marriage requires paying a substantial amount of money—commonly known as the “bride price”—to the bride’s family, maternal relatives will try to keep the union from falling apart to avoid returning the bride price.

Again, the passage of time has brought paradigm shifts. The reduction of stigma surrounding divorce and the growing financial independence of women have made a difference. Many women no longer see domestic violence as something to be endured, especially when it occurs frequently and places them at risk of significant physical injury, mental and emotional trauma, and, in some extreme cases, the loss of their own lives. As such, more women now find it easier to seek divorce as a measure of finality rather than as a last resort.

This points to a deeper societal issue, where marital discord and a lack of responsibility after separation seem to be growing trends. At the end of the day, it is the children—products of failed marriages—who bear the heaviest burden, as they are forced to navigate life amidst the chaos of their parents’ broken union.

Reports have shown that children raised in broken homes are more likely to face emotional, behavioral, and academic challenges. They often struggle with feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and confusion, which can affect their development and future relationships. An African proverb says that when two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers. That perfectly captures the reality when a marriage falls apart and a family is broken.

A particularly painful reality for children of broken homes—especially girls—is the stigma they face. In many Nigerian communities, women from broken homes are often unfairly judged. I remember when I wanted to marry, one of the excuses my father and his relatives gave was that the lady’s mother was not in her father’s house. This belief reflects a common stereotype that when a marriage fails, it’s often blamed on the woman’s “awful attitude,” while no one questions the role the man may have played in the breakdown. This bias is deeply rooted and perpetuates unhealthy attitudes toward both women and marriage itself. Imagine the reverse scenario: would a man face such scrutiny for coming from a broken home? Likely not, and that speaks to the unfairness that persists in how divorce is perceived in society.

If you type the question “Why do marriages fail?” into a Google search bar, you will be presented with results from several sites dealing with psychology or marriage. These results might include a lack of love and intimacy, communication problems, lack of commitment, constant arguing or conflict, infidelity, domestic violence and abuse, financial problems, religious differences, and sexual incompatibility. However, these are all just common factors. Every marriage is a unique system with peculiar dynamics holding it up, so the dissolution of one might differ slightly from another, even if they share similar causes for said dissolution.

I have thought about how finding out the root causes of failed marriages could help our society, but the more I have thought about this, the more I realized that the most important question of all, which should be asked before a marital knot is tied, is: “Why should I even be getting married in the first place?” It would not be far-fetched to theorize that many marriages fall apart because partners marry too young and enter marriage with unrealistic expectations about their partner or the marriage itself. When the reality of the strain that marriage induces eventually sets in, these people are often caught unawares and left scrambling for solutions or a way out.

A society that works to unravel the mystery of growing divorce rates is a progressive one. If anyone asks why it is so important that we care about marriages, I might simply tell them that most of the people who turn out bad on the streets—and even off it—could have been saved. Think about it. A child raised in a two-parent household with discipline and love is more likely to emerge as a wholesome individual, especially one willing to contribute positively towards society.

Perhaps marriages fail because, as human beings, we fail to see just how much work goes into sustaining a good home. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but resolution is never impossible. Of course, domestic violence and abuse are inexcusable. Anyone who is constantly being abused within a marriage should be encouraged to leave for their own good, whether children are involved or not. In the end, we should look to a solid source for answers: the successful marriages still thriving in our society. There are couples who have been together for decades and are still going strong. If we ask these couples how they managed to stay together despite the odds, their invaluable answers might not be all that surprising.

Zayd Ibn Isah can be reached at [email protected]