Whose love should be more?

Love and care should be reciprocal in any relationship, Bridget Chiedu, culture and tourism journalist says. “I don’t think it should be the prerogative of one or the other. It falls on lovers to appreciate each other.” In the same light, Tonie Okpe, sculptor and Professor at the Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria opines that love and care in a relationship should be equal but that the intensity of response to the love received is based on the individual.  According to him, “When people are in love, it is the intensity of the response that illustrates how much. Also if there exists mutual trust, intensity is further accentuated.”

Andrew Igie, a youth corps member suggests that both parties in a relationship must show love to each other equally. “It should not be one sided. The man should not love the woman more and the woman should not love the man more. There should be a balance in the love that goes into the relationship. The thing is with the way women are created, they tend to need more attention than us men. So in this situation, it may seem that the men love more.”

Judging by today’s society and men’s attitude towards women, some women strongly stress that it is safer for the woman to be discreet about her feelings in a relationship especially when she is dating. They believe that when a man knows how a woman feels about him, he is likely to take her for granted.

Explaining further, Idy Essin a student of the University of Abuja emphasizes that it is too risky a business for a woman to love her man more than he loves her. “A woman shouldn’t love a man more than he loves her. He will take her for granted. It is best to be discrete about your feelings until you are sure what his intentions are towards you. That way, you keep him on his toes. When you are sure what his feelings are for you or where the relationship is heading, you can then loosen up a bit.”

Some others say that in relationships, especially in marriage, it is better for a woman to love more because her love will make her endure the excesses of the man and work towards building her home and making the environment conducive for her children. To this effect, Mrs. Onome James expatiates. “Even in regular relationships, one person usually plays the fool”, said the retired civil servant. “Being married for as long as I have been, (forty years), I want to say it will save and prosper the relationship if the woman loves more. Women, if for nothing else, are more tolerant of the excesses of men than men are of their women. In our bid to create a most conducive environment for our children, we will do all in our power to shield them from any negativity. I am not saying it is this way all the time but in the majority of cases, this is what obtains. It is only love that can enable one achieve these. Love for your partner that makes you feel the need to protect him even in the eyes of your children.”

But Mrs. Halima Umar, a primary school teacher, does not see it this way. In her own opinion, it is not really love that sustains a marital relationship but level of tolerance and a sense of responsibility which should come from both parties. An entirely different side to all these is a view as expressed by Solomon Mba, a trader at the Utako Market. Mba believes that love is defined in different ways by women as distinct from men. He said, “Women weigh men’s love from the kind of attention he pays to them; while men balance a woman’s love sexually. This is what I think is the difference between men and women when they talk about loving each other. If one understands this, you will have a good and successful relationship and in time to come, a happy marriage.” Then Mr. J. Dawudu, 53, and a legal practitioner, concluded that love is a thing that happens naturally and you do not even know why you love the person but you do.