When money is spent without transparency and proper accountability, a marriage could be threatened. So, at what point should a woman think twice about her spending habit, even if she feels it is for the family’s wellbeing?
A woman shares her worries with Womanhood on how her spending habit seems to be tearing her marriage apart and asks if she was wrong to provide some necessities for her family.
“I’ve been married for 10 years and have four kids. Before I got a job five years ago, I was a full time housewife. When I was not working, I never had problems with my husband on finance. There were some things I had wished to do once I start earning money, to help improve our home and living standard, so when I began working, I set out to do those things.
“I do “contribution” (isusu) with some of my colleagues at work and at the end of the day, I invest the money in equipping my kitchen and other rooms in the house. For example, I bought a new dinning set for the family, got the kids a better and bigger bed, got a split unit AC for our room, among other things.
“We are just a middle-class family and I felt I was helping by contributing to the welfare of the family. However, my husband sees these things as unnecessary spending. He even quarrels when I change the children’s wardrobe. It’s not as if he provides all our needs and yet when I try to make us comfortable, he gets upset and complains. What do I do”?
Philippa Emerole, a 32-year-old teacher, feels there is a breakdown in communication between the couple. “Handling your finances well needs to be top priority for couples, so spouses ought to make financial decisions together. If you and your partner have different money “personalities” – different spending habits, savings goals, or just different philosophies about money – you could have arguments about money, which would destroy an otherwise happy marriage.
”From what the woman said, I could deduce that she decides alone how to spend her money. She doesn’t carry her husband along in her decisions -though it is for the good of the family, and this would naturally make the man upset. I will advice her to seek her husband’s consent before bringing home new things,” Philippa said.
Ujebor Nelly, a 41-year-old entrepreneur, says, “You are investing so much in your home and so little in your marriage. Men are naturally egocentric, so your husband may feel insecure that you are the one equipping the house when he is there. He might feel that you are trying to take over his duties as the man of the house. I’ll advise you consult him first when you want to do such things.”
Ene Abba, a fashion designer, feels the man is simply fretting over nothing. “I have been in this situation before and I can tell you that your husband is simply feeling insecure for no just reason. When my business started picking up, I noticed that my husband’s attitude towards my spending habit changed. He questioned every purchase I made. His reason was that I will run down my business but he later started asking me for the money instead. He would rather channel it to his own responsibilities, and before I knew it, I was the one paying school fees, house rent, and even the needs of his siblings. So, he feels you have more than enough, that’s why you are buying those things.”
When asked her advice to the woman, Ene said, “My own way of dealing with my problems may not be the best for you since we are different, but I don’t believe in taking over a man’s responsibilities. It makes a lot of them lazy. I can only help where necessary. But if what will restore the joy in your marriage is handing over your earnings to your husband, then please go with that if it’s okay with you.”
Umar Aliyu, a retired civil servant, says, “I don’t see anything wrong in a woman trying to help her husband grow their home, but the woman is doing it wrongly, which is why she is having problems with her husband. However, the husband should also appreciate his wife for trying to help him instead of being angry with her. The solution is that they need to discuss about their money issues together so that they can have an accurate idea of their net worth, savings potential and current expenses. This will help the marriage to survive.”
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