When responsibility abdication becomes a weapon

Marriages have their ups and downs, but when a couple decides to punish each another by stopping all obligatory responsibilities, what does it portray? Is it right to use obligatory responsibilities as a weapon of one against the other?

 Ngozi (not real name) narrates her agony: “I have a problem with my hubby who works out of town. Whenever we have a misunderstanding, he stops sending money for my son and my upkeep and he even extends it to not paying my son’s school fees. Is this right? If not, how can I handle such a situation as I have found out he always wants me to be the one that begs even when he is at fault?”

 Maryam Haliru, a 36-year-old accountant, believes men are generally proud when it comes to apologizing to their wives. Says Maryam: “It’s different when one is not yet a wife. They can pet and do anything for you as a lady, but as soon as you become their wife, the tune changes. I will suggest she finds a way to manage her hubby. My husband too hardly says sorry even when he is wrong. Initially, it used to hurt but I found a way around it because if I get annoyed, the whole situation will get worse. When he starts acting like that, I tell him that it’s disheartening and not healthy for our marriage. Now, he sees reason with me and tries to diplomatically tell me he is sorry when he feels he has done wrong.”

 Funke Adegbesan, a 35-year-old teacher, advises that Ngozi takes up a job. “It’s high time she took up a job and be independent to an extent, especially that he is a visiting husband. She can take up a few things without waiting for him financially. Trust me, he will drop his ego and even start to respect her more when he realizes that life doesn’t start and end with him,” Funmi says.

 Hauwa Ibrahim, a 42-year-old civil servant opines women should always be submissive when dealing with their husbands. Hauwa maintains: “I don’t think saying I’m sorry immediately when there is a misunderstanding will make us slaves to our husbands, or will make us primitive African women. Sometimes, we allow our pride rule over us and destroy our marriages. I am not praising myself but I can’t allow any misunderstanding between myself and my husband last for more than 30 minutes. In her case that the husband lives in another city, she shouldn’t give room for misunderstanding. Men like to be the boss; saying sorry will not take anything away from you.”

 Hajara Abdullahi, a 38-year-old mother of three says: “After seven years you should have figured out by now how to handle him in such situations. If you are working and are able to afford your rent and other bills, pay the bills yourself and let him know you have paid on his behalf and expect him to refund when he can. Also suggest he respects you, first as a human being, then his wife and as mother to his child. I don’t know how men can stomach the idea of their kids not being in school or being homeless just to get back at the mother.”

Amina Musa, a 39-year-old lawyer doesn’t agree with some of the opinions and says: “We easily conclude when women raises such issues that she should find a way to be independent of men. Don’t get me wrong, the importance of being independent is great, very awesome and stress-free but see, that’s her husband and their kid. What we don’t know is whether she is working or not. What if she is working? What if she takes care of other responsibilities? What if they’ve split bills? She spoke of just two bills so, obviously, she pays other bills. Sometimes, I feel we are encouraging husbands not to take their responsibilities seriously. Marriage is a pact and misunderstandings are bound to happen in it, but as a couple we should act responsibly by avoiding our responsibilities to serve as punishment. In support of men, some women are also guilty of this responsibility blackmail. Couples need to grow above the gimmicks of this game and move forward as a family.”