When insecurity becomes a problem in a relationship

The constant fear of breaking up and losing your partner can be extremely crippling to you and your relationship. You may dwell on thoughts of not being good enough or that your partner isn’t happy and wants to find someone else. These thoughts can take the form of jealous and needy behaviours. Granted, everyone has insecurity issues at one point or another but it is important not to let them stand in the way of a truly satisfying and long-lasting relationship.
Dealing with insecurity at some point in life is a natural way of checking whether our ventures will be successful or end badly. In the case of relationships, when we become anxious about anything, we start looking for signs of things ‘going wrong’. And of course, we usually find what we’re looking for, even if it isn’t really there at all. We perform constant monitoring, asking questions like “Do they look fed up? Why did they say that? Who’s this other person they’ve mentioned? Should I feel threatened? Are they less attentive? Why did they pause after I suggested we meet up?” All these can be very exhausting.
Being insecure is a whole lot of hard work. Lifextra sought people’s opinion on the matter and was able to get beautiful responses.
Kingsley Okoro, a business man who is single and in his early thirties, started by asking a question, “Why should you feel insecure in your relationship? The moment you start having those feelings, it shows you don’t trust your partner, which is very vital in every relationship. I know of men and women who go through their partners’ phones. Why should they do that if they trust their partners? In short, I see them as breeding chances of developing unnecessary heart attack. A relationship not built on trust cannot last.
Twentyish Juliet Okereugo, a single makeup artist, said, “A man who will cheat, will cheat. A man who would stay with you will stay. It doesn’t matter how much investigation you do. Just pray and work towards making your relationship work instead of worrying about things that might not even exist. Make a man feel comfortable enough to introduce his female friends to you, as that would strengthen your relationship unlike some ladies who feel they must be the only woman in the life of their husbands or boyfriends, beside their mothers and sisters.
Narrating the story of a very close friend, Musa Akeimokhai an accountant and married, told Lifextra, “I have a friend whose jealousy and insecurity drove the perfect girl away from him. He never trusted her because of his past experience with a girl who cheated on him. He suspects and lays unrealistic accusations at the slightest opportunity.”
“He never wanted to see her with male friends, to the extent that he extended his lack of trust to her cousins, thinking she had something to do with them. The last straw was when he called a number on her phone just because the name was a man’s name. Without introducing himself or letting the other party do same, he started warning and cursing the person on the other end of the line.”
“It turned out to be the girl’s uncle. She felt so bad and discontinued with the relationship, though she liked the guy. The point I am making is that lack of trust can make any relationship turn sour. Trust is a vital tool that makes a relationship stand, insecurity in relationships should be avoided,” he concluded.
Defining insecurity, an online article titled “Stop Emotional Insecurities from Destroying Your Relationship” stated that “Insecurity is a form of anxiety, and when you feel anxious your mind will search for reasons and meanings to validate your fears and insecurities”.
It added “This may cause you to constantly monitor your partner and question what they do, what you think is wrong or what they are up to.” concluding with an advice, it said “But remember you are not a mind reader so be careful not to read into something that is not accurate or even true because the human mind is very good at making things up.”
Mary Edewor, an administrator who is married said, “Some spouses can make you feel insecure, especially if you have been heartbroken before. A lot of men cheat on their wives for no reason and when the woman gets to know about it, she becomes insecure in the marriage and would become very suspicious of every move the man makes.”
She added, “But insecurity shouldn’t even exist in a relationship at all because what you suspect most times might not be true. Just be yourself and hope for the very best for your relationship.”
Concurring with Edewor, Nnenna Chikezie, an undergraduate in her early twenties, said “There is always a hidden fear behind your feelings: this could be the fear of losing your partner, the fear that they are losing interest in you or the fear that they are having an affair. This is especially the case if you have had bad experiences in the past where you were cheated on or you have been hurt before.”
Another online relationship site in an article titled “How Insecurities Can Harm Your Relationship” advised that “Relationships are meant to be fulfilling and enjoyable. Learn to love yourself, trust your partner, avoid needy behaviour, and allow the relationship the space it needs to succeed. Your insecurities might cause you to focus on what is wrong in the relationship. Try something new and look for all the things that are working well.”
Joy Adah, A self-employed hair stylist in her late twenties, concluded: “Don’t allow insecurity and doubts rob you of a perfectly good and healthy relationship.”