When flaws become an issue

Spouses are meant to lift each other up and not make up stories to pull each other down because of a little fault they find in their partner. Some faults, which many had overlooked before marriage, suddenly become an issue after marriage, and in fact bring unnecessary fights and confusion in the home.

Temitope Balogun, 38-year-old accountant, says “Finding faults in spouses is something most wives or husbands take pleasure in doing. They fail to realize that concentrating too much on finding faults not matter how small they may be is killing and has killed many marriages. I understand that some people find it hard to change or adjust overnight but then making a fuss over a flaw which may probably have been there before marriage, to me, is crying over spilled milk. As long as the flaw isn’t putting too much strain or endangering the relationship or the family, then I will honestly advice that it’s overlooked.”

Christy Obiora, 40-year-old teacher, says “As humans, we all have one flaw or the other, we can’t all be perfect. I always tell myself before I complain about someone’s flaw, ‘I am not perfect and so is she/he’. Secondly, I ask myself if the flaw is harmless or harmful to me or them. I go into a relationship with a mindset to overlook harmless flaws. Everything starts from a relationship; if you cannot overlook it while dating, you can’t when married. It’s definitely going to be a big issue in marriage if any of the partners decide to keep picking on little faults from their partners. All we need to have at the back of our minds is that no one is perfect.”

Zainab Abubakar, 39-year-old entrepreneur, says, “Most spouses find faults in what the other person has done simply because it wasn’t done the way he or she does or likes it. The fact that someone did something differently from how you want it done should not send you on a fault finding adventure. A spouse should appreciate his/her spouse notwithstanding the little flaws. If the flaws are becoming unbearable, then talking about how the flaws can be worked on with your spouse would go a long way to resolve the problem instead of frequent quarrels and arguments.”

Amina Ali, 44-year-old medical consultant, says “People evolve and faults which were not present at the dating stage may develop and manifest during the marriage. But the situation becomes worse if you have identified the flaw and the discomfort it’s causing in the relationship and refuse to change. When some insist that that’s their personality and can’t change it, then there is a problem. The person at fault must be willing to change if the fault is causing harm to their spouse. Marriage is about compromise and not war.”