When culture, tradition clash with modernity

A friend who wishes to remain anonymous shared an issue she had with her man last weekend. “I have been in a relationship for 2 years. I visit my man during weekends to cook for him. Last week, I cooked and served him and we sat to eat together. While eating, I took the drumsticks and bum and he got angry. He then cautioned me, saying it was a taboo for women to eat certain chicken parts. The bottom line is that he didn’t eat the meal again. As it is right now, he has stopped me from cooking chicken since I insist I cannot go along with the traditions he is trying to set in the marriage. My question is, what is wrong with women eating certain chicken parts? Should out-dated culture rule our lives?”

Cultural values will always be a part of us and there are people who place high importance on certain cultural values. Oluwatoyin Kehinde, 39-year-old pharmacist says the fact that some people place high values on culture shouldn’t make them enslave a woman. “I’ve seen men who despite living abroad and becoming citizens still don’t joke with certain aspects of their culture. Culture, like we all know, is a way of life. To some, it’s an integral part of their lives. If she isn’t ready to accept that part of the guy’s way of living, its better she quits the relationship for another lady who is ready.”

Ebere James, a 40-year-old civil servant, suggests that she quits the relationship. “Today its chicken, tomorrow it will be that she sat on the driver’s seat without his approval. The next day, it might be that she changed the TV channel while he was watching a match. I always tell people: If someone shows you his/her true colour, do not make excuses for them.  People will surely say it’s an Igbo culture thing but trust me they will be the same people to criticise you for going ahead with the marriage despite being aware of his die hard stance on culture. I will advise you have a rethink. Can you live with cultural values being thrown at your face for the rest of your life? If yes, then stay but if no, please check out of that relationship fast.”

Hajara Bello, 38-year-old social worker, says it has nothing to do with culture but the kind of person the man is. “People don’t understand that this is not a matter of chicken. It is who the man is. He will keep coming up with ancient and archaic traditions that enslave a woman. If he was that serious about eating chicken laps then be ready to put up with more ancient traditional rules when you both get married. In my opinion, in this age and time, such types of men do not value women and they keep reminding you of how much they spent in marrying you.”

Ada Chidebere, 37-year-old lawyer, says she grew up learning that certain parts are left for the men. “My husband isn’t too particular about the parts of chicken given to him but I do give him the gizzard because that was what I learnt growing up. Ask any Igbo woman; she will tell you it is insolent not to give your husband even if he does not talk. If you respect your husband and cherish him, you will always reserve that part for him. Many people don’t joke with these little aspects of their culture as they believe it’s one of the few heritages left after the invasion of westernization in our society.”

Uloma Madume, a 39-year-old seamstress, says “I’m also Igbo and have never seen my husband or dad make a fuss about such things. Not all aspects of culture are still relevant in this present day. But that’s not the issue here. The issue is that there might be more cultural rules that a man is likely to uphold which will create problems in the family. Once a wife starts seeing something wrong in the cultural norm her husband is trying to uphold, she automatically becomes enslaved. Our perception of culture determines whether or not we feel enslaved. If she doesn’t like it now, she won’t like it later. He will certainly do more annoying things later in the guise of culture.”

Modernity many argue has its limit when it comes to tradition. Marriage counsellor Hajiya Maryam stresses that it’s good to know your tradition and if your man demands it, then a wife must honour him by giving it to him.

On the other hand she argues that some aspects of these African culture amounts to enslavement of women. She asks “What is the rationale behind reserving certain chicken parts for only men? Do women deserve less? So, it will be safe to say cultural compatibility is another prerequisite for marriage. But nevertheless, I would advise any woman in this situation to do everything possible for peace to reign in her home, as they say in many cultures; the woman is the crown and backbone of any home. Next time, she should make provision for each part of the chicken double, so it is equally shared.”