When boundaries should be set

Many would relate to this scenario of having to share your bedroom with strangers. Abigail narrates her story. “We live in a-two bedroom flat. I and my husband stay in one room while the children (4) stay in the other, the house help stays in the sitting room. But one thing troubles me; my husband brings unexpected guests (friends and unknown faces) from other states to the house and offers them our bedroom. Sometimes, these friends bring ladies with them. I decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with him where I told him that I can’t continue to allow friends use our matrimonial bed as a motel. He took offence. Have I said anything wrong? These are mere friends and not even his or my relatives. For family members I can understand, and have no issues with that, but for friends that’s a no-go area for me.”

Hajara Musa, 40-year-old pharmacist, asks, “Do such things really happen? Why would a man sacrifice his matrimonial bed for his friend and a woman friend over the respect he should be having for his wife. If I’m allowed to say, the man has no single respect for his wife. If he has, he would not do such. My religion teaches that every man should protect the privacy of his wife, which he has glaringly failed to do. I don’t allow my siblings into the room I share with my husband not to talk of a friend who comes along with a lady friend. No, I won’t tolerate that.”

Zainab Isa, 38-year-old nurse, says “This shows he has no respect for his wife. For every married couple, the bedroom is regarded as a sacred place. Every wise friend would reject such offer and give respect to the couple by allowing them have their privacy. I’m still trying to wrap my head around why any right thinking friend would not see the need to give a couple their privacy, especially the privacy of the wife. It’s absurd. I will suggest she stands her ground and stop the unhealthy habit of her husband giving away their privacy to guests.”

Omolara Adedeji, 42-year-old civil servant, says “This is one big problem the woman of the house has to face head on. As a woman or even a man, one should have his/her privacy which cannot be sacrificed for anything. A right thinking man would discuss with his wife before taking such a decision. My advice to all married couples is that boundaries must be set when it comes to bedrooms and kitchen, the bedroom especially. The bedroom is one boundary not even relatives can break not to talk of a mere friend. To make matters worse, the friend disrespects the couple by bringing a woman friend. My question is: are there no hotels in town anymore? When next such a thing happens, make the husband and the so called friend understand that they are invading your privacy. That is why I like the Hausa culture to some extent; they do everything to protect their wives. The ‘Ba shiga’ trend is what I think this family needs. My Hausa friend will hardly sit on my matrimonial bed even if I insist, she will always say ‘your bed is for you and your husband, I should respect it.’ This single act has endeared her to me.”