What should I say to my Friend?

Dear Nabilah,

My friend and her husband have issues in their marriage as they are always quarreling these days. He complains that she’s not good in bed and she doesn’t want him to take a second wife, which makes him indulge in extramarital affairs outside his marriage. She’s aware he’s having sex outside because she cannot satisfy his needs, she doesn’t like it but she somehow understands his reasons for engaging in it. Now she’s asking for a divorce even though deep down she still loves and cares for him. She asked me to advise her, but I’m confused, I don’t know what to say. Please advise me on what to say to her?

-Confused Friend

Dear Friend,

Say to her that she should prioritize herself and her peace of mind above everything else. She should make her choices and reach decisions that will guarantee her well-being and peace of mind above everything. If continuing in that toxic relationship is better for her peace of mind than leaving it and starting afresh then she should pursue that and brainstorm on ways to make her marriage work. Below are some of my suggestions for correcting the many dynamics in this marriage:

First, she should completely uninstall the notion that her husband belongs to her, only her and no one else, that’s the main cause of all her troubles. Because he really doesn’t belong to her, he belongs completely to his Creator Allah The Most High. So if she really wants the heart and loins of her husband to belong solely to her then she must seek it through the Creator of her husband, by drawing closer to Him through obedience and acts of worship done with complete sincerity.

Secondly, she should also uninstall from her mind and intellect the notion that her husband is her everything, she needs him to be happy or content. For real happiness she should make her Creator her everything first and foremost before any living being. Whatever she did to hold on to her husband, to gain his love and attention, if in so doing, she disregards her religious commitments and distanced herself from Allah then she will not achieve real happiness nor peace of mind.

Thirdly, she should discard the notion that she is not good in bed, for that is bullshit! Maybe it’s the husband that lacks the proper taste buds for her kind of flavour. Besides, an intelligent, respectful and compassionate husband will not be saying such degrading and insulting words to the woman he loves.

Fourthly, she should know that her husband’s unfaithfulness will be a constant missile to her peace of mind, she will always be miserable as long as he keeps doing it. And even if he quits, it will take tremendous effort and will power from her to be able to mentally surpass that trauma. So she better condition herself and be prepared for it.

The next advice is, she should choose the night when her husband is in his best self mentally and have a heart to heart discussion with him regarding how best to correct their marital relationship and get it back on track for both their peace of mind. Then they should lay some ground rules before starting the discussion such as no shouting, yelling, arguing or quarreling and no walking out before the best decisions are reached.

The next advice is that your friend should reconsider supporting her husband to take a second wife, because it is much better and safer for everyone involved. She should fight her inner self and eliminate her dislike of having a co-wife, she should ask herself, that her husband earning major sins in his book of deeds easier for her than his taking another wife that he will earn rewards in his book of deeds, if she truly prefer her husband’s infidelity to his taking a second wife then there’s a huge question mark in regard to her feelings for him. And she should realize she’s also sharing in his sins if that is truly the case.

Next she should try to find out the areas in which she’s lacking in her husband’s sexual satisfaction, and seek ways to correct that particular case medically if possible.

My last advice to her is she should invest in self care, love herself unconditionally, take care of herself both physically and emotionally and consider things that will bring her peace of mind and pursue it and avoid the opposite.

Thick, whitish and scary!

Dear Nabilah,

I’m 17-years-old and a few months back, I started experiencing a thick whitish vagina discharge, it just keeps coming all the time. I’m so scared to tell my mother, what is this please, Nabilah?

-Scared

Dear scared,

This is a normal vaginal discharge called leukorrhea and it is an indication that your vagina is very healthy and in good condition. You might notice that its consistency keeps changing throughout your menstrual cycle, it starts thinner and becomes thick around your evolution time, so it can be used to gauge the fertile period of a woman’s menstrual cycle. There are some types of foods that increase its consistency and frequency so if your discharge is constant and always thick, it has to do with the type of foods you are currently taking. So rest your mind, there’s nothing to be scared of!