This arises when you think that something is unfair, perhaps you are holding a grudge or angry about a particular issue. There is either a deliberate unwillingness to forgive the person or the inability to let go the past. This tends to rob us of our happiness because the more you think about the wrong done to you the unhappier you become.
Resentment comes from the Latin word resentive which is to feel over again. Those who are victims of resentment rehearse and relive the anger. Brian Tracy in his book The Power of Positive Thinking says whenever you feels that you hate someone, you should start greeting such a person to avoid resentful feelings and the damages it comes with. This is because resentment is like a self –fed poison eating away the soul of the one in resentment.
People could become resentful for some reasons such as when you have unmet needs and feels ignored or neglected, when you feel you are the one who makes the sacrifice in a relationship and again when others let you down in relationships. One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is betrayal and when this occurs, it is extremely difficult for most people to overcome their resentment. A friend once told her story of how her fiancé betrayed her by sleeping with another friend of hers. She begged for her forgiveness and obliged him, but her resentment could not just give way even after forgiving him. It has been three years since then and their relationship is stronger but she gets angry whenever she remembers the incident.
Resentment is an understatement of the pains and anger experienced whenever memories of the betrayal or infidelity come to mind. Even after a reasonable time has passed for reconciliation, resentment still lingers. All might be forgiven, but forgetting may never happen.
However, resentment associated with the painful memory can be overcome with time and rebuilding of trust. Resentment comes in various forms, everyday situations can cause us to withdraw and everyone has a pattern or games they play in relationships. When resentment occurs, such games occur and at times it takes the form of ‘I will never forgive or forget’, ‘I have a long memory and I will remind you of your past mistakes’ or ‘I will attack and react’ forgetting that nobody is perfect.
It is healthier and better to be angry and voice out your feelings instantly when we have been wronged than going ahead to get into resentment. It becomes a problem when we connect it to self-righteousness, adopting a superior position of ‘I’m right, you are wrong’ instead of confronting the other person and being assertive.
Sometimes, we prefer revenge, we feel that by getting back at the other person will cancel our pains but the reverse is always the case as that never happens rather it worsens the issue and complicates our suffering the more.
In responding to the issues of resentment and how helpful or not it can be, Mrs. Amaka Obochi a psychologist said it has never done anything good; it only makes things worse. According to her, “you only feel resentment to somebody who you love that might have betrayed you in one way or the other. When you love someone and the person betrays you , you will find it difficult to forgive such a person and you know resentment is usually directed to people in the higher level not the person at the same level with you because when such a person offends you , you can easily say it out to the person without mincing words and let him or her know what you feel about his behaviour towards you and there the issue will be resolved amicably.”
As to whether it has any psychological effects on such people, the psychologist said “when you are angry and the person you are angry with is not even aware of your feelings and you bear the burden in your heart, it is very bad because it will have an effect on you if you don’t do anything about it.
Obochi went on to offer tips on ways to avoid resentful feelings.
• Discover the source of your resentful feeling
• Identify what the person did to evoke such feelings in you
• Develop a new way of looking at the past present and future including your offender
• Talk it over with the person because communication is always very important in everything especially in our dealings with others it is a crucial key.
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