What is the logical explanation for my husband’s bizarre behaviour?

Dear Nabila,

I have been married for 27 years and blessed with 9 children, of which 4 are already married. My husband has two other wives who live in another house not far away from us.  The other house is well built and more spacious than the old house I’m living in. It is also well equipped with all the modern appliances which our house is lacking. Still, I tried to be patient and not bother him about this apparent disparity. Furthermore, he stays all the weekdays at the other house and comes to my house only on weekends. He never visits my house while he is at the other house, whereas he visits them several times when he is with me; still I never complain in order to avoid fighting and to maintain peace. Then suddenly, 7 months back, without any fighting or arguments, he just stopped visiting our house and stopped all communications with me or our children except one that he singled out and communicates with! He only sends us  foodstuff without the needed ingredients for cooking and without all the other basic necessities of day to day living. He doesn’t care about his children ‘s education or our health or how we are coping, etc. I would like to know the Islamic implications and if there is any logical explanation for this strange behavior of his? Kindly advise me on the best thing for me to do concerning this matter?

-Abandoned first wife

Dear First Wife,

Concerning the Islamic perspective on this strange matter, there’s no iota of doubt that what your husband did and is doing to you is very wrong and a major sin. Because Allah The Exalted commands husbands to treat their wives kindly, as He says: “And live with them honourably” [an-Nisa 4:19].

Ibn Katheer said living with them honorably means to speak nicely to them, treat them kindly, and make yourself look good for them, to the best of your ability.

Likewise, Allah, may He be exalted, says: “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them  according to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]. Meaning they have rights over men just as men have rights over them, so let each one of them fulfil the rights of the other, according to what is reasonable.

And  the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The best of you are the best of you towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.”

Undoubtedly, abandoning you and not speaking to you for no good reason does not come under the heading of a kind and honourable treatment; rather it causes  a great deal of harm to both you and your children.

Allah The Exalted also commands a husband with more than one wife to treat them fairly and justly, and whosoever cannot do so, is prohibited from taking any subsequent one after the first one. The Messenger of Allah, may peace and blessings be upon Him, said: “Whoever has two wives and favours one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one side of his body paralyzed!.”

The Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, also commands equal treatments among children. It’s also not allowed for the husband to desert his wife in  their matrimonial bed for more than 4 months. Furthermore, it is also prohibited for two Muslims to stop communicating with each other for more than three days, after 3 days, all their worship and good deeds will not be accepted until they remedy their differences and commence communicating. Furthermore, this clear abandonment might expose you and your children to become victimized by gossip mongers topic of discussion and derision among the gossip mongers and become a topic of discussion and derision.

So you can see, from an Islamic perspective, your husband is committing a lot of grievous sins which will not fare well for him if he doesn’t repent and ask forgiveness.

A logical explanation for your husband’s sudden bizarre change of habit can be attributed to male menopause or midlife crisis. Reasons might also be that you unknowingly hurt his feelings, did or said something which he strongly dislikes. Or it might be a long hold grudge that has now reached the boiling point and spilled over.

My first advice for you is to compose a message to your husband’s asking him why he stopped visiting you? If it’s because of something you did, you are sincerely seeking forgiveness from him. Then you counsel him softly in a kindly manner without any blames or acquisitions, remind him of how grievous the sins he is committing by ceasing communication with you and his children and unequal treatment of wife and children, remind him to fear Allah and to protect himself from being a loser in the hereafter through this action. Then follow up by sending him polite, greetings daily, just so you will free yourself from the major sin of not communicating with a fellow Muslim, especially someone as close as a husband. Also instruct all your children to begin to call or send greetings and also check up on their father.

I further advise you to hold on and never give up on patience and perseverance. Forgive your husband, wash away the bitterness, don’t hold any grudge so you will feel ease in your heart.