A marriage in crisis is stressful for all parties involved, especially children. If you find yourself wondering whether you should remain in a marriage only for the sake of your children, then you could be on the threshold of making a poor decision. Many couples believe that staying together for the kids is a noble, appropriate, beneficial decision, but this is not always the case.
“Staying for the sake of the children depends on your situation. If you are in an abusive relationship, you do not need to think twice before you get out of it. Hanging on will only do more damage than harm especially to your young ones. If you are truly not happy, how do you expect the children to be happy? If you do not feel safe, then your children will certainly feel more vulnerable, therefore affecting their emotional stability. I once was in that situation and I must tell you no matter how much you try to turn white to black, it still remains the same because at the end, the kids will definitely not be happy, so what’s the point,” says Morinike Badmus.
Undeniably, children learn from their parents. What lessons then are they picking from an abusive marriage and what do they learn from their parents who sacrifice their own happiness for their children?
“Though it would be hard on your offspring if you leave them, it is harder on them if you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage for their sake. You are only teaching them to be defenceless even if their life is threatened. No woman wants to leave a home that she has toiled to build for another woman to take over thereby exposing your offspring to uncertainties. But when push comes to shove, one should take a bow because, a woman is better alive than dead to her kids. To me if I try everything to make things work and it is failing I will definitely opt for divorce. If he does not need me alive my children do,” says Onyinye Obinna.
Indeed, divorce is traumatic, in many cases, staying together for the kids can be equally as damaging. Yes, divorce separates families, but in some cases it can create a more stable environment for the children to grow. Happy parents usually bring up happy children. From the young ones’ perspective, you are not helping them by staying in a miserable marriage. You are only allowing them to be miserable, too. If you choose to stay, do not tell them that you are doing it for them. They do not need to be blamed for your decision as it will only make them more miserable.
The question of staying married for the children’s sake elicits another question; is your marriage about you or is it about them? In the scheme of things, which comes first? As for Hajia Rahama Ibrahim, “My children come first. No matter the circumstances I will stay for them, there will only be problem if I am not financially independent because I will have to ask for almost everything from him which will only aggravate the problem. But if I have my own income, I will stay and focus on my kids. I will definitely not leave them for anybody, whatever he feels he can do, it is up to him, my children are my number one priority. If he feels I am no more important to him. I will definitely not abandon my progeny with him”
“It is a pity the way things have degenerated so much in our generation. We often think our happiness is all that matters and that is not true. The truth is children matters as much. No matter what, we will definitely face obstacles in our marriage, the same way our mothers stayed for our sake so should we be able to stay for our sons and daughters sake. When you leave, your mind will never be at rest as you would always wonder what situation they are in at that moment. I believe that parents should stay together for the sake of the kids under any circumstance”.
Remaining married for the children’s sake is a dilemma that divorcing couples deal with. Though, there is no point staying together when husband and wife no longer love each other but when children are concerned, the calculations change. For some reasons, people think that divorcing is worse for the kids. I do not think we give them enough credit. They can see when you are unhappy and in pain. If you feel that you can take care of yourself better and be happy without your spouse, maybe that route is best for you and them.
“Unhappy relationships are the biggest causes of stress in our lives, and stress eventually kills. If one is unhappy and has tried to remedy the situation to no avail, one should move on with his or her life. But, the most important gift a father can give his kids is to love their mother thereby, every other thing will fall in place. That is one mistake I made until I lost what I had” said Mr Anthony Andy. So, think before you leap – what is at stake, should you remain or leave?
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