Wait, Ramaphosa just dodged a bullet

While Sai Babarians and Atikulators were killing themselves on social media ahead of their pauperization for another four years, South Africa’s Cyril Ramaphosa has just escaped heavenly fire. And I am not talking about the itch that, as secondary students we literally translated as heavenly fire just to get a sick slip for the village dispensary. Readers of this column would remember that we have had cause in the past to carefully navigate South Africa’s Malawi-born prophet – Shepherd Bushiri. The Mzuzu-born shepherd of ECG; not electro-cardiogram but Enlightened Christian Gathering Ministries operates one of the biggest gospel businesses in Africa. In South Africa, he is more popular than Jacob Zuma, the guy who wades through corruption and immorality scandals better than a duck through muddy waters without discolouring its plumage.

Gawd has blessed Bushiri! If you pardon Obj’s new catechism, this prophet dusts Jesus the Christ. He is the first prophet ever to ascend or descend to heaven, meet with Gawd and took a selfie to show for it. That should make Jesus Christ jealous of nascent earthly technology receiving divine endorsement. If Jesus had leapfrogged on future technology, the job of convincing humanity and his fellow Jews of his messiahship would have been simple, don’t you think? When it pleases Bushiri, he calls Gawd on the phone and puts him on speaker for his enlightened audience. Of course, he cures HIV and walks on air.

Bushiri guffaws at the builders of the ill-fated Tower of Babel. If they knew a time would come when sanctimonious holiness could get Gawd without building skyscrapers, we’d all be speaking Aramaic today. Imagine a world without the everlasting war between Hebrew and Arabic for a country like Naija or any in Africa fighting religious insurgency.

According to Yemi Osinbajo, a professor of law and Naija’s vice president, a petition from Pastor Adeboye could prevent an air crash from turning fatal. But I tell you; Bushiri makes the likes of Adeboye green with envy. Bushiri is everything the Oyedepos, Oyakhilomes, Enenches and TB Joshuas could ever hope to be. These ones claim to hear God’s voice, but none of them has ever seen Bushiri’s Gawd. My friend swore that if a Naija prophet knew the gateway to the holiest of holies, they would keep it from their spouses.  We tell readers of grow rich quick and other phantom publications to stop wasting their time and money. By our very nature, humans are selfish. If we know how to grow rich, we won’t share with anyone.

Look around you, only one irreplaceable Steve Jobs. One Bill Gates? One Warren Buffet one phantom billionaire Donald Trump. One Aliko Dangote and one Alakija. Otedola would not allow his Rolls Royce riding daughter date you just because you have read motivational books or listened to inspirational messages. But Bushiri could force Cupid’s hands if you believe him.

For his close relationship with his Gawd, Prophet Bushiri has been ‘blessed’ with earth’s most mundane benedictions. Last year, he purchased a $1.4 million jet. His luxury rides would make Sinnator Dino Melaye cringe. Gawd blessed Bushiri, 35 and his 37-year old wife. His suits are zanier than those of Charles Soludo. Sad that his shoes are not made in Aba – because nothing beats Aba shoes! Bushiri’s horologists make watches exclusively for his dainty hands although basking in the euphoria of his Gawd he does not need time pieces.

Terrestrial South African banks catch holy fever trying to count offerings from Bushiri’s miraculous services and it was said that some Judases squealed that he repatriates millions back to Malawi every week. A man this blessed could never escape the envy of poor earthlings. A few weeks ago, South African authorities (apology to Abiola Ajimobi, the one and only real authority), raided Bushiri’s church and picked him and his wife. It almost caused early rapture except that they must have seized the divine Thuraya.

Before you could say Major 1, protesters the type that are ever ready to lay down their lives for the messiahs oblivious of their existence had inundated the police station. While they were outside carrying out self-flagellation, detainees were hoping that he would feed them with five loaves and two fishes before opening up the gates. As every Gejites, Atikulator or Sai Babarian knows, it did not happen. During the week, Bushiri regained freedom before he could cause a Paul and Barnabas style praisescape that could have endangered the lives and careers of South Africa’s anti-corruption police.

Terrestrial law put a lien on Bushiri’s accounts and seized his favourite rides. They even imposed a fine of $7,300 fine on the man who went to heaven for a selfie incurring the jealousy of Moses and the angels who were only granted mere apparition. Committing greater sacrilege; they seized the earthly passport of Bushiri and his wife.

Bushiri’s apostles were just petitioning for early rapture before South African police got the memo. If they hadn’t repented, they would have woken up one morning to find out that Malamba Ndlopfu had sunk into the Atlantic. The tsunami could have forced INEC to cancel this week’s elections and extend the circle of enmity between the poor and the political fathers hardly conscious of their existence. Isn’t Africa just blessed?!