Verbal abuse as lethal as physical abuse

Abuse, according to experts is a form of violence which can follow other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial.

Of these forms of abuses, verbal is the least considered abuse or perceived as a form of abuse. A verbal abuser does not abuse out of love. He/she abuses out of a desire to control.

Verbal abuse may be expressed in various forms like nagging, threatening, criticizing, belittling, insulting, ridiculing, name-calling, harsh scolding, trivializing, screaming, ranting, as well as the use of crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.

Examples of hurtful words may sound like: “You’re a nag just like your parents!” “You don’t know how to do anything right.” “It’s your fault!” “You’re too sensitive.” “Come on, can’t you take a joke?” “That outfit makes you look fat.” “You’re worthless in bed.” “Who asked you?” “You don’t need that second helping.” “Your ex sure screwed you up emotionally.” Verbal abuse can happen anywhere, at any time. Individuals who are teased and pressured at work or school may in turn take out their pent-up frustrations at home. “Kicking the dog” is not enough; instead, they verbally attack their spouse, children, parents, close friends — no loved one is safe.

Verbal abuse is about control; it is not about love. Double messages are part of verbal abuse. One verbal abuse message says I love you. It is followed by another verbal abuse message that says I don’t love you.

Therapist, Katie Fagan, says that, verbal abuse is more serious than most people think. It can leave somebody extremely lost and depressed, or thinking they are not worth anything when they truly are. There is no simple or easy way to deal with this type of situation, but it can’t just be overlook.  Dealing with physical and verbal abuse is an extremely serious issue. Here are some steps to get you the help you need.

Elizabeth Lueders, author of ‘Emotional and Verbal Abuse’ states that verbal and emotional abuse is rampant in today’s society. According to her, it is embedded in yelling degrading remarks. Downplaying accomplishments… in as much as no one is immune from encountering abusive people, she encourages that we all have to and can make healthy choices to end destructive relationship patterns.

Lueders went further to explain that, “Emotional abuse is difficult to define and many cases are never reported; nevertheless, it’s clear that this form of destructive behaviour is based on power and control. An emotionally abusive person may dismiss your feelings and needs, expect you to perform humiliating or unpleasant tasks, manipulate you into feeling guilty for trivial things, belittle your outside support system or blame you for unfortunate circumstances in his or her life. Jealousy, possessiveness and mistrust characterize an emotionally abusive person.

Many times, the emotional damage is unintentional. Crippling comments may seem so trivial to the speaker as to be soon forgotten. But at a crucial moment or from an important person, certain words spoken to a vulnerable, receptive individual can make or break a life.”

She also advises that, wounds that typically accompany emotional, physical and sexual abuse must not be ignored. “Both men and women inflict verbal abuse, but women tend to be more often on the receiving end of this destructive behaviour. What may seem innocent and infrequent at first can escalate. Verbal abuse frequently plays a major role in violent crimes.”

All forms of abuse follow a pattern that, left unchecked, will only increase over time. Injuries from verbal and emotional abuse can run deep and leave lasting scars. Many emotionally and verbally abused people reason that, because there are no bruises or broken bones, their abuse must not be serious. But it is. Fortunately, support and resources are readily available to guide individuals into safe, loving relationships. In their well-received book, Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend state that, “Our pain motivates us to act.” If pain motivates you to act against emotional and verbal abuse, then listen and act. You may be saving more than your life.

“I’ll never hit you again. If you’d just do what I ask, I wouldn’t have to do this.” Maybe you’ve heard these words; maybe you’ve said them. Whichever side you’re on, physical and verbal abuse cause inexpressible damage. The bruises may fade, but the invisible scars last a lifetime. An abuser attacks your emotions, your sense of worth and often, your body. Long after physical scars heal and the argument ends, emotional wounds erode your self-worth. Abusers typically act out of an unchecked need for control, and the people they abuse become imprisoned by manipulation and domination — sometimes even believing they deserve this cruel behaviour. Fortunately, there is a way out of abusive patterns both for those addicted to control and those victimized by abuse.

Cruel words and names and labels hurt, and they hurt as bad as the pain from physical abuse. Do not subject yourself to such on account of love because true love does not create verbal abuse. Dominance does.