To Lai, Adeshina and Babandede – After Jesus Wept

Let’s be frank, as far as information management goes, only Lai Mohammed is using the old manual. He needs to drop that handbook and get back whoever was his consultant before he became information minister.  In other words, please bring back that one-man opposition figure of the halcyon days of the locusts that was hecklingly brilliant. He brought common sense to political criticism and put things in perspective. Unfortunately, it is evident that he did not envisage becoming government image-maker, embarrassingly goofing and bumbling all the way.
Two examples – what was Lai’s explanation for that shameless letter to NBC for ‘loan’ to go to China? How did the much talked about treasury single account empower the NBC to lend money to its parent ministry? Is that why NBC now has a new boss? In what chapter of the book of accountability and transparency is that kind of locust behaviour written?
Lai attributes a scientifically proven tomato virus to the effect of Boko Haram insurgency. Well, we thought boko haram was decapitated and that the five million displaced persons have been returning to pick up their hoes? How come they are now growing poppies instead of tomatoes? Mister Lai, please wake up. Even in peace times, the amount of tomatoes produced from Haramistan was – negligible; check the logbook at Tiga and Challawa Gorge Dams. What is wrong with accepting that harvests were blighted by ‘tomato Ebola’ and explaining what government was doing to curtail it?
Sorry, Femi Adesina must be getting angry already, there are no sufferers in Naija under Sai Baba. Those who want to see sufferers should go to Ivory Coast and stay there on vacation. Tomato virus is scientific; Lai’s lie is puerile. Again Lai should return to the guy who helped him into national limelight and stop chopping alone and throwing up on our intelligence. With time, he’ll learn to differentiate between cheap propaganda and information management. Government is doing a very poor job of the latter.
Please indulge a hailer for a day; Sai Baba’s latest speeches have been good! They speak to the suffering of the masses. It’s good to know that Adeshina is not his speechwriter. The speechwriter either speaks Sai Baba’s mind or does a good job of making him appear to feel the pulse of the nation. Truth is, nobody feels the pulse of the nation like the people who live outside the walls, periphery and the corridors of power. They are those unfortunate people whose kids have been sent back home from schools for protesting the lack of amenities basic to learning. They do not buy imported toothpicks because they either have no tooth to pick or have been boycotting Fulani cow meat. So, when Sai Baba says he feels the pain of the nation while wearing his spotless babariga, he hits a chord nonetheless. Hearing and believing are different things but as Lame Pat would’ve put it, he should kontunu to make good speeches and follow it up with tangible action!
The downtrodden have no choice; they keep sacrificing but hope not to become sacrificial lambs. Unlike Sai Baba, Lai or Adeshina, the poor have no luxury of official cars and chauffeur. If they are state or local governments workers, they haven’t been paid for five months and they avoid their landlords. People make sacrifices believing that there would be light at the end of the tunnel. Sacrificial lambs get slaughtered, their flesh and marrows suckled by celebrants. The wailer in me says that a government that is broke does not retain eleven presidential jets or buy new cars.
It looks like Sai Baba’s speechwriter is moonlighting for Immigration CG, Mohammed Babandede. The effluents of the Naija Immigration’s dirty linens are flowing in the tributaries of the Naija and Benue. Hearing a Naija acting big man in confession is a rare feat much like Jesus weeping. Difference is that after weeping, Jesus raised Lazarus. So, Babandede should not be a wailer, he should be a healer. Non-career ambassadors could help Babandede in his search for the thieves in his service. He should call them. Banks would help him too. Those with Badeh-like account are goats and should follow the Olisa Metuh degoatification process. The passport offices at home and abroad are rotten even with computerization. Those who use them groan.
The deal, Babandede is not to tell us what we already know but make us see what you are doing to correct the ills. Find and fix those who have collected – to settle you now that you’ve publicly acknowledged you do not want to be settled. If you’ve been settled in the past – vomit. Audit money made from passport issuance and how much really gets to government coffers. Break the rackets forever or break your two legs trying. And if you find extortionists at IDP camps, send them out. There are genuine people waiting to take their place, find them and recruit them without letters from sinnators and politricians. Good luck with it, we’ll be watching your steps.