Three reasons why we like others

Have you ever wondered why you like or dislike a particular person?  Some times you find the reasons, sometimes you invent the reasons and other times you’re actually clueless.  This situation can be quite unsettling. Today’s column may give you some ideas why we are “naturally” drawn to some people. 

Research has shown that we like the following types of people:

Attractive people 

Those who flatter us

Those who remind us of ourselves 

Now let’s take them one after the other. 

One: Attractive people 

Our judgment of people can be shaped (negatively or positively) by just one quality about them regardless of other features. It may be age, beauty, race, gender, social status and so forth. This is called the halo effect. 

Out of these, attractiveness is the one most studied by scientists. Actually, research shows that we immediately regard beautiful people as more honest, intelligent and pleasant. 

It’s well known that bosses are biased towards beautiful employees; even teachers have a fondness of attractive students and award higher grades to them. 

It’s the reason why adverts feature beautiful models, because our biases toward them influence us to buy what they are selling. The late Ahmad Deebat told a story of a woman that he saw in an advert for a tractor. She sat on it and asked: “want to ride?”

“I wasn’t in the market for a tractor,” Ahmad Deebat lamented, but obviously the trick got his attention. The essence of his story was how beautiful people could be used to nudge us to buy – or to at least take a look. 

The downside of that is that when we see an attractive person, especially a female, in a senior position, we’re likely to conclude that her beauty got her the job instead of other qualities like good education. 

Two: We like those who flatter us

Someone might have said this to you: “ flattery wouldn’t get you anywhere.”

But whoever said it is wrong. Extreme flattery is despicable. But flattery can get you a lot of things. Whether it’s our spouse, a colleague, a subordinate or a total stranger, we like people who tell us how awesome we are. It’s called liking bias. 

Personally, I’ve received a lot of flattery especially from those who desire political connections or favors. In doing so, many called me “honorable.”

A title I’ve come to dislike in the extreme. Overtime, I thought I was desensitized to such meaningless titles until one young man called me “my leader!” before putting in his request; and I was naturally drawn to him. 

His approach was so refreshing and a departure from other trite names that it was soon forgotten whether he intended to shaft me. 

Let me ask you a question, who would you rather hang out with,  a spouse or friend who genuinely (regularly) points out your good qualities or the one who doesn’t?

Let me give another example. I was on a trip recently. I have a friend in the agency that organized the logistics for the trip. My friend was not selected to follow us on that trip, but his colleague was. I wondered why they chose him over my friend. I soon got my answer. 

We were in the hotel in a foreign country when his boss came out of his room. This guy went on his knees greeting and praying for his boss. That’s another form flattery. A declaration that “I submit, you’re my oga!” 

Yet, people would lose respect for you if you over do it – especially if it is not  sincere. 

Three: We like those who remind us of us

How many times have you immediately connected with someone, because, like you, he’s a Man United fan? People who share our interests are liked by us. Sometimes, we like someone without knowing why? But if you investigate further, this person thinks or talks the way we do. 

Some sales people even mirror our postures or gestures to get us to buy from them. If you put your hands on your brow, they do the same; so that they connect with you without you realizing it. 

You see that I used a lot of “you” in the last sentence. This is on account of the fact that using “you” has the same effect- of gently connecting with someone who uses it. 

For more on our biases and on how we’re influenced without realizing it, read:

The Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli and 

Pre-suasion by Robert Cialdini.