The world is a no-fly zone

– I reject that, why not Sallah ram?
– Haha, even mundane expressions now must be politically correct ehn?
– Yes o.
– Why the sweat?
– It was a curious nightmare. I was going on summer vacation. I chose a destination, bought a ticket, got to the airport, boarded the flight and the plane had taxied off, but this was how I recall the flight formalities. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this flight M33 to the point of no return.’
– Ha!
– ‘Your flight duration would be short and your final destination is dictated by your faith or lack of it. If you are a person of faith, it is highly recommended to say your last prayers. Writing your will before boarding any flight these days is not required, but strongly recommended.’
– Shuu!
– ‘Since our destination is only a wish, our estimated flight time cannot be accurately determined. Please pray. Serving food prepared by any African kitchen on our flights is banned for now, so passengers are advised to survive on their homemade meals. However, please be informed that our inspectors have the right to assure WHO standard of no bush meat on our flights.’
– Lobatan.
– No that’s not the end of it. The airhostess continued her announcement. ‘Please be sure to wear gloves while eating your home cooked meals provided you have a leak-proof waste bag. There are some on sale in our in-flight store. In the unlikely event that your food drops on our table or floor, we charge a small fee for cleaning and disinfestation.
There are six exits on this aircraft, two at the rear, two in the middle and two in front. There is no need to take note, if you need them, you won’t remember where they are. Parachutes are available for sale on this aircraft, the prices would be determined by your weight and size. Please note that if we are blown up, you may not have the time to start wearing your chutes, it is therefore advised that those who can afford it buy their chutes and wear them before we enter turbulence zone. Should there be a sudden loss of pressure, oxygen masks would drop automatically above your head, please make sure you pay in advance if you want to enjoy oxygen flow. If you are travelling with a little child, we advise that you let the child die naturally and save your own life. Or save the child’s life and forget about yours.
– Nonsense.
– This aircraft is not equipped with MUSIC missile deflectors. We would have loved to avoid overflying conflict zones. But where is peace on the earth beneath us? Everywhere there is conflict. More than half of Africa is a conflict zone, the Middle East has never known a lasting peace, Europe has fought two tribal wars but Russia is making it look like mere child’s play. America is two-timing everyone else, ever committed to the pursuant of peace, always eager to violently settle scores with those against democracy and ever ready to sell weapons of mass destruction to those who can raise the dollars.’
– This your air hostess is politically sound o.
– Looks like it. She continues – Russian airspace was safe until Flight 370 was gunned down. We could avoid becoming casualty figures of the Al-Baghdadi led Caliphate by not overflying Iraqi-Syrian aispace, but then, there were no wars in Taiwan where TransAsia Flight 222 went down with nearly 50 people on board. The plunge of AirAlgerie Flight 5017, in Mali  had no links with Tuareg rebellion fought with weapons stolen from a free Libya, but it took nearly 200 down.
– Crazy.
– Flights originating from Naija have no guarantees of safety. At least three military training accidents have been recorded around Haramistan according to Naija authorities. There are no links with the insurgency going on there. Landing anywhere is a great wish given these incidences. Besides, one of the greatest threats to aviation in Africa today is the fear of Ebola.
– True.
– To pack people in a crammed space, exchanging and recycling the same air is now a serious health hazard, according to WHO. This is why you are advised to buy oxygen from our safe in-built oxygen tanks. Please check the tv screen in front of you for prices, depending on the duration of the flight. We advise you to pay for more in case we need to touch down where an African president is scheduled to land, we may stay longer than necessary waiting to land.
– Was that where you woke up?
– That was where you woke me up. So, for once I am grateful to you for saving my live. I doubt if I wouldn’t have developed a heart attack with such welcome instruction.
– My friend, the whole world is a ‘no fly zone’.