The need to pray

About a month ago a family appeared on Brekete Family, an Abuja-based reality TV show, claiming they had been swindled by one Ngozi Blessing to the tune of N11.4 million. Those who say Nigeria is broke just do not know where and how to tap into Nigeria’s vast hidden wealth. The “woman of God” promised to take the Brekete complainants to the new Eldorado – Canada. They made the payments without asking for the details of their itinerary. They could have made it to any Canadian city or town without the painful ritual of being grilled by Canadian entry clearance officials. 

Miracles happen all over Africa that break every wall erected by the “mzungu” against migration. Many of us endured the ignominy of brazing inclement weather on long queues, answering questions about the first meal we had when we were born just to qualify to leave beautiful Nigeria when the solution lies right under our noses. 

African prophets are making direct calls to God during their miracle services. One produced a brand new passport with a visa from underneath his shoes. Another is famed for crediting members’ accounts with huge sums of money. YouTube is your authenticator.

On New Year’s Eve, an African prophet elevated one foot over a bench as he ordered his members to pass under him as a symbolic gesture of crossing over to 2024 immune from its inherent perils. The rest of us carried our bank debts and letters of credits over to 2024 because we are far from the miracle manufacturers.

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We have heard pastors ordering members to mow the church lawn with their buccal lawn mowers thereby fulfilling Darwinian theory and scriptures as higher beasts that chew the cud. A vicar asked his members to chow on raw wriggling snakes. People like my former boss, Mahmud Jega, would have sworn that the snakes were non-venomous garden snakes but their knowledge of biology does not grant them the respect it grants the miracle workers.

Shameful how unbelieving reporters struggled to tarnish the bad reputation of our own Prophet TB Joshua consciously aware that dead men don’t write rejoinders. Shame on them. 

Organised religions, brewed in hot pots in the Middle East, have taken over reasoning in Africa. The Saudis rake in $15-$20bn yearly from pilgrimages. The Israelis are trailing behind, making $8bn from pilgrims and $12bn from arms sales. Poor Africans would starve their families to punch their tickets for pilgrimage. They need to die poor to make the passage to heaven.

The duo that sought the help of Ahmed Isah discovered a new route to Canada. They flew first to Senegal, then they “road” it to the Gambia just because their faith failed midway through the deal. They were parodies of Peter, sinking in the waters after taking his eyes off the master. They returned to a radio presenter for help to get part of their money back. They are lucky, those who ignored the faith way are freezing to death in Canadian winter.

Ahmed Isah, Brekete Family’s Ordinary President, said the faithless duo could have made it in Nigeria if they invested their cash in selling ugwu leaves. He did not factor in robbery, kidnapping and ritual murders that have killed many a dream. 

Nabeeha’s father had no intention to japa. He was content with struggling in Nigeria but ended up with a dead daughter and only got back the rest of his family through crowd-funding. Many are not that lucky.

Our country Nigeria is a field of untapped potentials even though our currency has given up the struggle for survival and the powerful promise of the president that – a máa ja wálẹ – we will bring it down! It is a country moving towards a no-fly list because airlines are unable to repatriate their sales and profits.

The airlines are not alone. GSK, P&G, Unilever, Sanofi-Aventis, Bolt Food, Jumia and Equinor have closed their factories and doors. There is a silver lining here – abandoned factories are soon retrofitted as prayer houses where former employees faithfully queue to pray for their jobs back.

Ikeja is a classic example. Once the industrial hub of Lagos, today it is the headquarters of religious business houses hawking fake olive oils and handkerchiefs. The factories of Kaduna South are now retrofitted zoos for rats and rodents just like Kano’s Bompai of the late 80s and 90s. 

Ex-President Muhammadu Buhari spent eight years burning jet fuel to convince investors that Nigeria is open for business. His successor, President Tinubu is diligently following in his footsteps. You will not catch Nigerian leaders at the scene of massacres and communal feuds. They know that these crisis points are a disincentive to potential investors. Rather, they have anointed their deputies as unofficial condolence ministers.

Armchair critics are warned to stop focusing on Nigeria’s bad sides. There is logic to these things – if we ignore the problems, they would disappear. When Unilever officials get back to London, they would tell their shareholders that they are tired of making money in Nigeria. Sanofi-Avanti has a better excuse – Nigerians do not speak French. Equinor can no longer make money because global warming has altered Nigeria’s climate from the way it was when they moved from Norway. As for P&G, they don’t have to say anything to the Americans, as former President Jones once educated us – Americans know everything.

Faced with a probable mass displacement from Abuja, our revered First Lady, Pastor Senator Mrs Oluremi Tinubu has asked Nigerians to pray and not to despair over insecurity in Abuja. As anybody who has ever attempted to drive a car without power knows, prayer works wonders. 

No nation on earth has ever made progress outside prayers. Imagine what Canada would become if Justin Trudeau and his cabinet abandoned prayers at the Notre Dame Cathedral Basilica. Imagine Emmanuel Macron without his weekly communion at le Sacre Coeur. Picture the UK without Rishi Sunak lighting candles at No10 and chanting his mantra every morning. Forget the Japanese and the Chinese, they are already woods for hell fire.

Prayer moves mountains as anyone who has travelled between Lagos and Ibadan during the Holy Ghost service knows. Members who refuse to say a loud amen end up being kidnapped and those who fail to pay tithes become patients at Igbobi. 

Nigerians love to pray and there is no better time than today for a compelling need for more prayers. We need to pray that the leaders we elected and the people they selected would wake up from their slumber and do the jobs allotted to them.

We need prayers for japa companies to return and give jobs back to their former employees. We need them to expand so that they can employ the jobless. We need to pray that the ghost of Chinaza Philips would stop kidnapping as he is in custody. We need to pray for ministers to stop stealing.

However, if the gods fail to answer these prayers, we would need a national protest to convince our leaders sleeping on duty that we need them to safeguard us from insecurity.