The many faces of manipulation

Sadly, there are so many manipulative Marys who will go all out to do whatever it takes to get things from us; and whether you like it or not, they are lurking around in every nook and cranny. Oftentimes, victims cannot tell when manipulators are out to exploit them or when their actions mean well. Being exploited or manipulated is not a good feeling, especially when it occurs and you do not realise at the time that, that is what is going on. Discovering later on what has happened to you can really be unnerving.

To guard against this, you need to know when someone starts sucking up to you and starts making you feel unnecessarily guilty that you begin to feel compelled to do things even against your wish. The most successful tactic of manipulators is the fact that they are very effective bullies. So much so that they could make a victim lose all sense of reasoning and see things only from their own perspective.  You also need to identify when they start pressurising you to do things hoping at some point you will cave in and do as they want. Also, you should keep your eyes and senses on the alert for when a manipulative Mary starts feigning ignorance or being unaware of situations or discussions which were explicitly talked about or had occurred; it probably didn’t go in their favour.

When someone starts getting unnecessarily polite, you need to start questioning and looking for clues which will give you answers to this attitude. Manipulators are likely to take you on an ego trip massaging you in all the right spots and paying compliments even when there is no need for them.

It is just a mind game and a very simple phenomenon. When somebody commends your effort, pointing out things in his compliments which initially seemed unnoticed, you are not likely to say no to him when he finally tables his requests. Even within you, you would be feeling like the worst human being on earth to say no to such a ‘lovely’ soul. The best way to handle such is to stop him right in his tracks as soon as the compliments start rolling in or return the niceties and compliments before saying no.

When a person begins to make you feel guilty for turning down a request and you feel an obligation to do it because you have to and not because you want to, stop and analyse the situation. In personal relationships, ask the other person if the reason he wants you to do something is because you have to or because you want to. If the former is their response, you are being manipulated and should stand your ground by saying no. Make him see that you know he is manipulating you and you will not be forced into doing something you are not comfortable with.

Bullying could be considered the most manipulative tactic. It is what most manipulators apply which get many victims cowered and they find themselves giving in. You could avoid eye contact with him, but it is best to look him straight in the eye and firmly say no. If a request or question starts to sound like a broken record, you are likely being manipulated as the manipulator expects that you’ll succumb if he says it over and over and push you just hard enough. As soon as you notice this and once you have said no, walk away or let the person know that repeating his requests will not make you change your mind and let him know he is becoming a nuisance.

When manipulators realise that the decisions taken are not in their favour, they could decide to choose what parts of the discussion or incidence they remember and argue it out until things begin to turn in their favour as others concerned try to be considerate and not seem like the bad guys. As much as you can, when you are faced with such a situation, bring him to remember what actually happened and the decisions that were taken. If you have a witness, it would be a plus for you and would help to get things on track in everybody’s favour. There are manipulative Marys all around you, just keep your eyes open so that you don’t become a victim.