Today we will conclude on some of the causes of difficulties in relationships and what we may be able to do about them.
Lack of interest: Relationships can be strained because of a lack of interest by at least one party. If both parties are uninterested, and there are no prospects or need to rejuvenate the relationship, then it is probably OK to let the relationship gradually wane and ‘die’. But if at least one party is interested, then the interest should be demonstrated by taking actions to reengage and reconnect in ways that all parties will enjoy and benefit from the relationship.
Showing interest can be demonstrated first by ensuring that parties do what is socially or legally expected of them depending on the type of relationship. Secondly, always doing at least a little bit more than is expected of a party goes a long way in strengthening relationships. Thirdly, affirmations that involve parties saying how they value the relationship also go some way in reassuring the other party. But beyond any verbal reaffirmations, we must show our interest in a relationship through genuine actions.
Other issues that may trigger relationship difficulties include emotional baggage (when we carry our unpleasant past experiences and judge new relationships on that basis. Whilst our past experiences should help guide us, we shouldn’t use them as a basis for judging others in new relationships.); ‘Suffocation’ (unwillingness to allow legitimate space for the other party. Particularly in individual informal relationships, we should appreciate that different people have different propensities of being ‘close’ to others all the time. In the interest of the relationship, we should from time to time subordinate our desire to be close to others’ right to have their space but without throwing away our rights of required engagement.); Lack of intimacy (for couples, poor, lack or a wide mismatch in requirements of intimacy can cause difficulties.) Substance abuse, betrayal, lack of respect, etc. can each cause difficulties in relationships.
Most of the members of my generation in Kano attended boarding secondary schools. However, a friend recently told me about his routine in a day secondary school that he attended: His father would drive him to school in the mornings and return at about 1.30 pm to pick him up. Upon returning home, the friend would have his lunch, rest a little bit and the father would take him back to the school for ‘prep’. My friend’s father would return at about 6.00 pm to take him back home. My friend’s father did this 7.1-kilometre shuttle four times every school day for five years except on occasions when he travelled out of town in which case he would make arrangements with a driver to handle the commute.
The point is that for some relationships, such as between a parent and a child, we do everything more to discharge our moral responsibilities than in expectation of something elaborate in return. In the case above, I am sure my friend’s father was OK that his son turned out educated and responsible. Beyond such situations, we go into most relationships with certain expectations, consciously or unconsciously. If either party is unable to meet the expectations of the other, and all reasonable efforts over reasonable time to make correctations do not yield results then it may be appropriate to take actions. There are options, such as,
Redefining the relationship: Depending on what the initial but now unmet expectations are, we can redefine the relationship without terminating it. A redefinition could be to lower expectations which might be sufficient to eliminate the root cause of the failure out of the equation. A way we can redefine a relationship that isn’t working without terminating it is by keeping our safe distance. This means we engage with the other party less frequently but responsibly when we do and are not obligated beyond that. When we do this, though, we must not be in breach of any legal or socially-accepted expectation.
Terminating the relationship: Sometimes certain relationships are simply too toxic and badly damaged without much prospect of a positive turnaround. Regardless of whether a relationship is formal or informal, it is best terminated if it is unhealthy, toxic and unbeneficial. The termination process should, however, be handled decently and honourably. Communication should be in person as much as is possible and formalized in writing where that is legally required or helpful.
Termination discussions are important so that if there are any rights or obligations, the party or parties responsible should discharge them within a realistic timeframe or as may be mutually agreed. Such discussions help remove any future expectations that might still linger in the mind of one party as they may be oblivious that the relationship has been redefined or terminated by the other if it was done unilaterally.
Ending relationships can be difficult. There may be losses to be suffered and the emotions of letdown, disappointments or even betrayal. But irrespective of how bad situations might seem, and even within the rights of parties to end the relationship, it is important to go through any terminations responsibly and honourably. We can shut the window but should not blow up the bridge.
Depending on when we retire and what we plan to do in retirement, chances are that we are likely to have a little bit more free time when we retire. Great relationships can help fill up the gaps beautifully. But both formal and informal relationships can also come up with their challenges. It is important we understand what we can do under various possible situations to maximize the benefits and minimize damage to all parties. And if things go wrong, we should consider our options in decent, honourable and responsible ways.
Next week we will take up creating a routine in retirement.
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