The enviable league of looters

Naija people love football, and to proof it everyday someone dies proving their love for the game – and am not exaggerating. This has nothing to do with the ultimate sacrifice made by Sam Okwaraji. Do not bring Mike Okala, Haruna Ilerika or Segun Odegbami into this except you don’t mind getting summons from their liars. In conventional football, who you support is determined by your social status. The local league is – you guessed right – for locals. Big boys loudly advertise that they are die-hard fans of successful foreign leagues. This love for soccer has imbued every child with the dream of becoming the next Lionel Messi. From the last census, an Italian league team has only one Italian playing on it and European league administrators are so worried that they are introducing federal character into team lists.
Football lovers say it’s a sport, one that pays big money and brings in unimaginable fame even to those whose talents are no more than the scoring chance of a Diego Maradona’s infamous hand of God. Idiots like me find it difficult to see why people invest so much of their hard-earned money just to see others having fun. But then, that’s why we are idiots and they have enviable titles like stars or fans with autograph rights.
While most of us don’t give a rat’s behind what happens on the football pitch, there is a local underground league that gets our attention any day; its the game played by the League of Looters. This league is unique in many ways and while it does not feature on FIFA rankings, FIFA officials like Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini and Joao Havelange are suspected to have been active players. In this game, one man can play successfully without meeting the traditional eleven players and own goal is best. All genders can play and there is no age limit. There are federal, state and local leagues. Religious parity, though recommended is not essential. Pastors consider themselves highly favoured when given an opportunity to enter the league and imams who make this list have a benign, if rare reward – Jannat here on earth without the martyrdom advertised by the likes of Boko Haram or ISIS. In this game, only losers complain after the fact.
Team membership is never full as there’s always room for more. Although, not everybody would have an opportunity to play, the desire of most spectators is to have the privilege. Heaven is daily inundated with loud prequalification prayers but only a few of those requests are answered. When a man is qualified to play in this league, their best friends, kinsmen and brethren place adverts congratulating them while raising a wall of defense against opponents.
As team leaders play, you can feel their impact even if you don’t care about the game. Each time you drive on a pot-holed road, the League of Looters has played on it. When your tap fails to run, the LL has been at the reservoir. Whenever you find yourself on a fuel queue, the guys have been there. When women die of preventable diseases, or children from malaria, whooping cough or diphtheria – the League is at play. Armed robbers check out neighbourhoods, sometimes doing house-to-house cleaning wherever the League has played on security votes. When teachers go on strike, or students go on riot, the League has tampered with the funds meant to make impact.
For the squeamish like me, the guys to fear are not League members who live in gated houses but the supporters club who live in Fela’s song – shuffering and shmiling. League referees have no FIFA-ranking but they have more powers than those in referee gear on football pitches. They can blow the whistle and order a match tape played back at any moment either during or after a match. When the referee blows a foul whistle, the supporters club take on the attribute for which British football fans are feared all over Europe, because for every player on the field, there are others engaged in match fixing.
Nobody knew when Sambo Dasuki was inducted into the league, but when Buhari’s referees came knocking, he began singing like a canary. First, he named our hero of democracy, President Jones as team leader. Now it appears that Ngozi Okonjo Iweala played on the League too. From her confessional statement, she must have been team treasurer taking Okafor’s theory a notch higher – a looted fund can always be relooted without consequences.
In Africa, no team relies solely on the talent of its players for success; they augment ability with with spiritual fortification, which aligns with the number of league footballers on TB Joshua’s clientele. Dasuki allegedly contracted Attahiru Bafarawa who has access to regional marabous. A league play is not entertaining without press coverage and from all indications; Raymond Dokpesi got full broadcast rights. The only reason this continuously interests me is to see whose name is mentioned next.