The Ebora of contention

•    Who is playing Fela?

•    I go open my mouth like basket o, maa lanu bi apere?

•    I was his mate in school.

•    Whose mate in school?

•    Fela.

•    Hehe!

•    Why are you laughing?

•    Well, like Methuselah, God is the keeper of your true birthday.

•    Everybody knows my birthdate.

•    Yes, the official one?

•    What is all this insult about official age or no official age? I enrolled in the army, I served my country. Abacha wanted me dead, God saved my soul.

•    And you were ungrateful to God.

•    In what way?

•    Well, you got two shots at the presidency.

•    Yes.

•    And you blew both.

•    How did I blow both. I handed over to Shehu in 1979 against the request of my own people to hand over to Awo.

•    Hehe.

•    Why are you sniggering?

•    Because your people say that you are fond of turning history on its head.

•    Nonsense. I am a patriot and nothing you say will change that. I became the first ever military person to freely hand over to a civilian…

•    Some said ka ji tsoro ne fa!

•    Kei wawa ni? I am still speaking, what kind of tsoro? Who am I afraid of?

•    Huum.

•    You people are stupid. You people talk anyhow, you people don’t respect elders. I handed over to the man who won the election in both cases.

•    Army arrangement.

•    Nonsense. If I had wanted to stay in power, none of you is strong enough to stop me.

•    Something stopped Abacha?

•    Nonsense, at my age, am I afraid of death?

•    I guess not, because even shame which is worse than death is afraid of you.

•    Why don’t you stay close so that I can give you a piece of my fist,  dan isika!

•    Anyway, things are not going well in Nigeria. And people think its your fault. Did you know that my brother would not complete his term? Did you deliberately plunge Nigeria into this mess?

•    Oloshi, you should come close now, when you ask these stupid questions. I told you people in the open that I asked him to present me with a certificate of fitness from a doctor and he did. Why would I not believe him.

•    You admitted single-handedly picking a successor, thereby invalidating the votes of nearly 80 million people. Some say you should be back in Gasua for that reason. Or that you should be handed to boko haram for target practice. Anyway,  you decided to act like you Yorubas say – if the rat finds it difficult to nimble at the black-eyed beans, it scatters it.

•    Idiot.

•    Isn’t it true that you are always wiser out of government than you seem to be when in it?

•    Who says so?

•    Well, you told Maradona that SAP must have a human face and milk of human kindness.

•    Yes, is that not the truth?

•    It is the truth, but which of the policies under your government had either?

•    All.

•    Okay. Selective amnesia mode. I thought you resigned as Chairman board of trustees

•    I did.

•    Was it after realising you were presiding over a nest of vipers? Or as you said, armed robbery republic?

•    Have they settled you?

•    Who?

•    The National Assembly people. Because they settle everybody.

•    Your daughter was a member.

•    What are you insinuating?

•    That she may be writing her memoirs and that you had advanced copy.

•    This is nonsense, everybody says this, why is it always when ebora Owu says things that it gets heady?

•    Well, people said they would have been happier if you said so when your daughter was a member and charged for corruption before. But you waited until she was disgraced out of the chambers to denigrate the whole lot. What are you gunning for this time around? Special envoy to the UN?

•    That’s grossly unfair.

•    How fair have you been to Nigerians? You messed the country up each time you had the chance. You seem to have forgotten that you persuaded Anyim and Gali to doctor a bill already passed by the National Assembly under your tenure.

•    Nonsense, if I asked you to put your hands in fire, would you do it to satisfy me?

•    Very clever answer. Would it be correct to say that your daughter is tainted with this generous paint you splashed her successors?

•    What nonsense are you saying? I….

•    Its the nonsense that made your own daughter collect money from a parastatal she was overseeing to go on a jamboree in Ghana. She was tried for that crime.

•    She is an adult and can answer for herself.

•    If your daughter were still in the NASS, would you have called them rogues?

•    Which one is your own? I am not the first person to say so, one member, one former police officer said so under my watch and the heavens do not fall. Why is it that its only when I say the truth that people come down on me like a ton of bricks?

•    Maybe because they expected that when you had the opportunity to bring those rogues and thieves to book, you romanced them instead, and now that it is convenient, you are playing smart.

•    This is arrant nonsense. You have no respect for your elders.

•    Respect is reciprocal, and my elders respect themselves.

•    I am through with this talk. And for your own sake keep away from me.

•    Too bad Aondoakaa and Tafa Balogun are neither in a position to give or take orders, in case that last one is a threat.

•    You people don’t like the truth.

•    On the contrary, people love the truth. It is spoken on radio, free tv, on the internet and in newspapers, but rather by people who did not contribute to bringing the rut in the first place.

•    What are you trying to say?

•    That in other climes, you’d be in jail for presiding over the most dubious transition programmes in the history of democracy. And for all the kickfronts and kickbacks. Anyway, you Yorubas have a saying…

•    And what is it?

•    It takes an expert thief to trace the footprints of another on a rock.

•    Are you calling me a thief?

•    No. Just saying that if you live in a glass house, you should not be throwing stones.

•    Are you saying I destroyed Nigeria?

•    Thank God you didn’t have the full capacity.