By Margaret Ogbebor SSMA
The family is a combination of father, mother and children. These are components that make up a family. For a family to come into existence a man and a woman need to reach an agreement before the family is formed. The family is the domestic church; whatever happens in the individual family would manifest in the larger family (the church). Whatever problem the individual family is facing has its reflection in the church. This is so because the individual family forms the church. The family and the church are interwoven; they cannot be separated.
People who form the family are always part of the family and they are often related by blood. But not all family members are related by blood. Some members of the family are adopted (they are not related by blood) that does not mean that they are not part of the family. Since they are accepted in such families and they have been in the family, they are equally part of the family. Children are gift to the family, if there are no children in the family; does not mean that the family is incomplete. We should often remember that children are gifts from God and the Bible says that happy is the man who has filled his quiver with these (children) arrows (Psalm 127:5).
But in the African setting, we do not see children as gifts we belief that once you are married the next thing is to start producing children and if such family is not productive, the woman is at the receiving end. There would be problem from different angles right, left and centre as if the woman is a factory that produces children. Even till now people do not belief that the man could also be the cause of childlessness, all our attention is focused on the woman which is bad. A family is not formed by only one party (either a man or a woman) it is the coming together of the two parties a man and a woman. It is often advisable for the two parties to put all hands on deck to build a happy family. However, for a family to be happy there are some things (rudiment) that need to be put together. They are special ingredients that help in forming a happy home. The happiness in the family is not the work of one person; it is the duty of every member to make each other happy.
Happiness in the family cannot be bought it is what the parties (father, mother and children) agreed among themselves to do. Some part of the family may not be happy because every member of the family is selfish to themselves. If you are not charitable to one another there is no time you would enjoy the favour of the other person because love begets love. For a family to be happy there are some ingredients, rudiments, spices and condiments that are responsible for a happy and fulfilled family life.
The first rudiment is“understanding”In building a family, the two parties involved need to understand themselves because both of them are coming from different background (different family), they would always see things from different perspective. Worst still when the parties involved are from different ethnic group (for example Yoruba and Igbo), if there is mutual understanding from both parties, happiness would flow. Understanding is very important because of their temperament, many a time we discover that true characters come into play after marriage. Every secret is let open nothing to hide anymore. Sometimes the man would often say “had I known”, “if I had noticed this kind of character in this woman I would not have married her”. That is why courtship before marriage is necessary; whatever you cannot change during courtship would always be difficult to change after marriage. It is always advisable to marry your friend. People who understand themselves and are always willing to forgive themselves without counting the number of times the other party might have wrong them, understanding is an important key, ingredient and even tool to enjoy a happy family.
Another rudiment is “love” and “care”, St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians made us to understand that love is not boastful, love is kind, love is patience and does not gloat over evil but delight in the truth (1 Corinthians 13 :1). To build a happy family, each party must possess love. Love requires sacrifice, it is sacrificial in nature. It is rooted from the heart and each member of the family should be ready to make sacrifices for the happiness of all. Where there is no sacrifice, there is no love. Love and sacrifice are interwoven with each other because it requires going extra mile and doing things you would not want to do. For a family to be happy each party need to work very hard to bring out the happiness that is required. Where there is love, living together would be very easy. The husband would be ready to help the wife in every way. The work in the home would not be a problem; nobody would be asking who is doing what. Their weakness would be covered. What you are after is how am I going to meet the need of my wife and the wife would be thinking of how to help the husband vice versa. Unhealthy rivalry between them will not even surface. The basic needs of the family would be catered for without stress. The children would also benefit from this happiness. When there is happiness in the family, peace would flow and the children would grow well because they have good examples to follow. Love bring about care, you do not need to be rich before you start caring for someone. Money cannot buy “love and care”, it is in born and you can only give it when you have it. You do not need to force yourself to possess it. Many families are broken today because of lack of love and care. Love and care should not be one sided, it should involve the two parties. It should be reciprocal to avoid cheating. Families that lack love suffer a lot and the children are always at the receiving end. Children whose family are not happy suffer. Academically, many of them may not do well, psychologically, they would not be happy and financially their basic needs would not be met. Love and care are the real grease that can help to lubricate the engine of a happy family.
Another rudiment for a happy family is; communication. This is a powerful weapon that helps in the smooth running of the family. It is the healer of every open wound, the clearer of every doubt in the darkness of confusion of life. It helps to create a great bond between the husband and wife. It is the life wire of a happy family.
In every family prayer is very essential. It is the key that opens many secret doors and answers to many problems in the family; it is the connecting wire that links us with God. It is a channel by which we would always talk to God about our various situations. As a family we need to form the habit of praying. Praying in the family should not be once in a while, it should be regular and it is the duty of the parents to teach the children how to pray and the importance of prayer. When we pray in the family, we are inviting God into our lives telling him to help us because left to ourselves we can do nothing.
Studying the Bible is another aspect we should also look into. The Bible is the word of God and full of prayers, it is the duty of the parents to teach their children how to read the Bible. The issue of prayer should be taken seriously making the children to realise that our whole lives depend on God and God alone. It is through Him we move and have our being. Remember, “The family that prays together stays together”.
Similarly, “The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverb 9:10). Parents have a lot of work to do when it comes to teaching the fear of God, if children are well rooted in the fear of God, we would have a better society. There would be no embezzlement of public funds because of the fear of God that has been instilled in them. Nobody would be interested in duping anyone because it would be seen as an immoral act, there would even be a lesser problem in the society and the prison yard would be empty because people would be willing to do the right thing. There would be drastic reduction in committing crime and our society would be safe and everybody would enjoy peace and tranquillity.
Sr Margret Ogbebor SSMA is a Catholic Nun, working in the Catholic Diocese of Sokoto. She is the Head Teacher of St Martin de Porres Nursery and Primary School Katsina. [email protected]
