I was sitting in a big hall watching women of varied ages trooping in after paying a N500 gate fee. One could see about them the zeal and apparent readiness to work with what they were about to be taught at the gathering. The event was organized by a centre to train women on how to relate amicably with their husbands and how not to use aphrodisiac (kayan mata) indiscriminately.
As I watched them take their seats, a thought went through my mind: I said to myself, if these women could take the pain to come to this place, and even part with a N500 gate fee each despite the apparent poverty that some of them appear to suffer from, all in a quest to better their marriages, why then should marriages continue to breakup? So wherein lay the problem? And what is the panacea?
A cross-section of married men and women interviewed regarding the questions raised above proffered divergent reasons. Ibrahim Musa, who is married with three children, dismissed the women’s efforts as sheer hypocrisy. “Attending such workshops will not solve the problem because the facilitators know nothing about the women’s husbands and their peculiar problems. Since they don’t know the grudge of the husband against his wife, and vice versa, how could they proffer solutions?”
He added that if truly the women wanted to preserve their marriages, they should go back home and sit with their hubbies, find out the problems and take appropriate steps to correct them. “The woman knows her husband well and she knows what causes problems between them, let her try and correct them and forget about such workshops.”
Malam Hafiz Abdallah, however, attributed the greater percentage of the problems on the men. According to him, 90 percent of matrimonial problems come from the men.
“Take for example the issue of feeding, many husbands take it for granted and easily harass their wives. These men have forgotten that one of the rights of a wife on her husband is for him to feed her. Why should he consider giving her food as a favour? Before coming to his house was she not fed by her parents?” he said.
He said until this responsibility is understood and properly shouldered by husbands, matrimonial problems that could even lead to marriage breakups will continue.
He also highlighted the issue of authority asserted by the men, where they would prefer to exert rather than be diplomatic with their wives, as another sour point in marriage. He explained that the rib, from which the woman is created, any attempt to forcefully straighten it would only end up breaking it.
“Thus men should relate with women compassionately so that they get the best out of them.
“Talk to them politely, with love and affection and bear in mind that each man is a shepherd and would be asked how he carried out that responsibility,” he said.
Abdallah also said husbands should endeavour to live transparent lives with their wives because if a woman finds out that her husband is hiding something from her, she would begin to suspect him and once suspicion sets in between couples, the foundation of their marriage would begin to crack.
He added that how well a man relates with his wife determines his success in life both spiritually and materially.
Sharu Ishaq Sardauna on his part sees the bulk of the problem in the home coming from the women. He said the first disappointment men get from their brides is their inability to cook good food. He said the first food that a newly wed wife cooks would leave a lasting mark on her husband.
“From that first meal, she has created a position for herself in her husband’s heart and this will shape the kind of relationship she would with him,” he noted.
Sardauna particularly faulted the attitude of some parents who, he said, always supported their daughters’ misconduct on the pretext that they had received good training at home.
“These kinds of parents are doing more harm than good. A good father would always assume his daughter guilty until proven otherwise. Sometimes a woman may receive good training at home but when she gets into her own matrimonial home, she changes.
“Parents should not support their daughters blindly but make thorough investigation before taking any decision and by doing so, they could save many marriages,” Sardauna said.
Murjanatu Garba, a housewife, attributed 75 percent of matrimonial problems to the menfolk. She said: “It all depends on the kind of man you marry. If he is naturally the easy type, he makes things easy for you and if he is naturally the difficult type, he makes things difficult in your matrimonial home.”
According to her, women should therefore pray so that they get the easy type as husbands. She lamented being unlucky to have a difficult husband who was perpetually making her matrimonial life difficult. All her efforts ended in vain because she could not make him waver, she lamented.
Mama Asabe Musa on her part said marriage was something that one could not be thoroughly certain about; it is only after going into it that one would know what step to take.
“So the only thing is prayers and patience to help sustain the marriage,” she said.
Proffering a solution, an Islamic scholar who doubles as the Kano State Hisbah commander, Sheikh Muhammad Aminu Ibrahim Daurawa, called on government to include lessons on matrimonial life in school syllabus so that young people could be taught how to go about their future matrimonial lives.
He also admonished men to go about divorce with restraint. “There is wisdom in putting the power of divorce in the hands of men. Restraint is needed in divorce. Because of the emotional nature of women, the power is not left in their hands. And if men are given this power, they are not supposed to abuse it by divorcing their wives at will.”
