Sticking to positive comparison

“He always compares me to other women. He fails to understand that his comparisons hurt me more than anything. I am human and can never be like any other person. We are distinct in our thoughts and physical being. If only he could stop the comparisons, it would go a long way in giving our marriage a chance. He always ends it with an ‘I am just advising you, its better you take a cue from her’” Mrs. Zainab O.
Comparisons are among the silent killers of marriages in this modern day society. If you wife or husband does not have the kind of body type, dress sense, a car and all other vanities of the world, what difference does it make to the success of your marriage? None!  If these things that are lacking and you always compare her/him with make you unhappy, so why did you choose to marry him/her in the first place?
By comparing your spouse to others, you will only get frustrated for what you don’t have. And frustration will make you a negative person. And a negative person can only destroy relationship. A negative relationship translates to destruction and doom. Nothing positive can ever be made from that relationship.
Hajiya Maimuna Ibrahim says Love is what should be the priority of any marriage and not comparison “I love my husband so much. I accept him and love him the way he is, and he does the same for me. I have no reason to ever compare him. For me he is perfect and I never compare him to anyone. That’s what makes our marriage very strong when you give room for comparison then that is the beginning of the downfall of the marriage because no matter what the man does it is still seen as not the best”
“I’ll accept him for what he has and who he is because I only need his heart to love me. But sometimes when husbands compare, it is not out of their own doing but because friends have given him the chance to. Men could be something else when they sit and discuss amongst themselves. They paint a picture of a magnificent woman forgetting that all women have their deficiencies. From these discussions the man only sees the negative side of his wife and starts to compare her to what he must have heard from their men talk. When comparison sets in then confusion and trouble starts, leading to conflict between them while others sit back and enjoy the show comparisons has caused” says Sadiya Muhammed.
Comparison sometimes can be very annoying, intimidating and frustrating to whoever is being compared. Comparison on the other hand does not necessarily have to be taken from a negative angle. Comparisons could also be done for the benefit of bringing out the best in a person. For many men spoken to when comparison becomes a constant thing then it puts them off and dents the marriage.
“This topic is really spot on because that is what happens these days with couples married or unmarried. First of all I would want to say you don’t marry someone for worldly things. If you base a relationship on vanity the marriage would never last. Comparisons are allowed in marriage but if it is done politely, decently and with reason,” says Mr. David Aneh.
Mr Aneh goes on to explain that “comparison should not be a reoccurring thing in the marriage. Comparisons can always come as a reminder to put someone back on track regarding his/her responsibilities. Comparisons can be used positively to encourage a spouse to make the marriage better or stronger but when it becomes a means of mockery then that is where there is a problem. Comparisons should never be used as a weapon against a partner, it will only make things worse” he said.
Marriage counselor Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi, FOMWAN Abuja chapter, says “Most times we never sit back and pounder over what comparison does to our partners. Negative comparison is a strong soul breaker. It kills the self esteem of whoever we are seeking to compare with others. This is also applies to when we are dealing with children. Comparing them to others only harms their self esteem and gives room for rivalry. Everyone is special in their own different and unique way.”
Actually, all of the above are not a matter at all. Marriage is not just to have the best body, house and the most luxurious and expensive car and their kind. It is a matter of how to work on something together and come out stronger and better against all odds. Many make comparisons without even knowing it. Their intention might be to advice but at the end of the day they end up comparing and smashing the ego of the person. My advice be thankful for what you have especially your wants. Marital relationship is more than just the vanities of life.
“I can tolerate comparison if she is making it genuinely. But if I am doing my best to satisfy her within my means and she goes on to compare me to others who are way above my level. Then I am sorry to say but I will have to ignore her and let her know she can go elsewhere to get the greener pastures she desires. I mean I can only work within my means and capacity. What I expect is for her to show appreciation and not compare me with the big guys in the society. All fingers are not equal,” says Hamza Shehu a civil servant.
When you love your spouse unconditionally and genuinely then the thought of comparison will never arise. Appreciate whatever you have and thank God for it. May God bless all marriages and make them a negative comparison free relationship. Amen.