Seeds and weeds

The comedian, Helen Paul, recently shared in a talk that she was born from rape. She also spoke of how, because of the circumstances surrounding her birth, she and her mother were treated as pariahs, not just by outsiders but also by those closest to them—her mother’s siblings. They would visit her grandmother, give the old woman money, and remind her that their money was not to go to “the bastard,” for instance. Helen’s mother, young and traumatised, hadn’t even given her a name when she was born. Both her first name and her last name were gifts from compassionate non-family members.

Helen Paul’s story has a happy ending: despite all the obstacles in her way, she has obviously become massively successful. To borrow from the poem by the Greek poet Dinos Christianopoulos, her community tried to bury her, but they didn’t know she was a seed. Seeds are buried so that they grow. And look how she’s sprouted, tenacious and thriving.  

Tenacious and thriving. And generous. I read an interview where she said that she has forgiven her father and has a relationship with him. She’s a much better person than I am because I am not sure that I could both forgive and build a relationship with someone like that. I hope that he is deserving of the generosity that she has shown him.

It’s not my place to tell the indomitable Mrs Paul how to live her life, what hurts to let go of, what relationships to nurture and with whom, but since reading that interview, I have been thinking about how easily rapists are rehabilitated in our society, and it irks me. For instance, in the movie, Osuofia Goes to London, the eponymous rapist is lauded for returning to marry his victim and be a father to the son she had as a result of the rape. The victim’s parents and friends rejoice with her because the marriage means that “your son will no longer be a bastard!”

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Lest you think this only happens in movies, a couple of years ago, a man took his daughter’s rapist to court to force him to marry his young victim because he couldn’t think of any other way to get justice for his daughter. His reasoning was that if the man married her, then she would no longer be “defiled.” People would no longer mock her. In both cases, the rapists are offered the opportunity to “fix” their crime, while the victims aren’t offered any healing or justice. The most they are given is the ability to “save face.”

What a travesty it is that victims of such a heinous crime are punished as if they were responsible for it. That they must feel that they need to “save face.” We don’t mock/punish victims of theft or kidnapping , so why victims of rape? And when a child is born of rape, why treat that child like an aberration of nature? Why visit the sins of the rapist on the victim and on their child? It doesn’t make any sense at all to me.  Why mock an innocent child for a crime she didn’t partake in? Why shame a woman who’s been sexually assaulted? Why not shame the criminal?  

I have heard many people refer to Helen Paul as courageous for sharing her story. I agree because of the society we live in and the enduring stigma rape victims and their children face. I am happy that she is using her platform to work towards destigmatising being a product of rape. I hope that as the video goes viral, that it encourages us to rethink our attitude towards rape victims (and their children who are, in fact,  secondary victims). Perhaps, those like Paul’s aunts and neighbours who shamed and maltreated her would see the error (and cruelty) of their ways and change.  

Additionally, I hope that the fact that she is speaking out encourages others in her position – children born of rape – to understand that they have done nothing to be ashamed of, and that no matter what anyone tells them, whatever names they may get called, they are more than the circumstances of their birth. If anyone should be hiding in the shadows, afraid to show their face, it should be those doing the raping. Those are the ones we should be hunting and ensuring that they face justice. They are not seeds to be buried, they are weeds to be uprooted.