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SATIRE: Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ghana ‘elect’ Morocco AFCON 2023 champion, Nigeria ‘kicks’

By Victor Akhidenor The ongoing 2023 Africa Cup of Nations may not be concluded after all. The past winners of the competition comprising Cameroon, Ghana,…

By Victor Akhidenor

The ongoing 2023 Africa Cup of Nations may not be concluded after all. The past winners of the competition comprising Cameroon, Ghana, DR Congo, and the host nation ‘met’ and elected Morocco as the new champions of Africa.

However, three-time champions, Nigeria, seven-time winners, Egypt, and the two other North African sides in this year’s edition, Algeria and Tunisia, kicked against the off-the-pitch arrangement.

I was ‘privy’ to the dialogues. Here’s an excerpt.

Ivory Coast: As the host of the biggest sporting event on the continent, I’m grappling with a myriad of problems…

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Nigeria: (cuts in) Why then did you bid to host the tournament when you know you’re incapable, Cote d’Ivoire?

Ivory Coast: Please and please don’t call me Cote d’Ivoire. You’re no French-speaking country like Togo or Benin Republic. So, stick to your English and call me the Ivory Coast.

Nigeria: Okay, Ivory Coast, why did you bid to host the 34th Afcon when you know you will end up with this kangaroo arrangement of selecting…

Ghana: (cuts in) It’s not selecting. It’s electing.

Algeria: Selecting or electing, but why pick a winner in a boardroom instead of on the pitch?

Egypt: Let’s go back to the original question. Why bid to host a tournament when you aren’t capable?

Guinea: Great question because I was originally awarded hosting the 2023 edition. Hosting duties were pushed forward to 2025 after Cameroon hosted in 2021 instead of 2019.

Ivory Coast: But you couldn’t meet the deadline for the preparation and were stripped of the hosting rights.

Nigeria: Guinea, Guinea, Guinea, how many times did I call you?

Guinea: Three times…

Nigeria: This will be your 14th appearance at the Afcon. In the previous tournaments, you managed to get to the final once. That was in 1976 when you lost to Morocco in the final.

Guinea: Okay…

Nigeria: In the last two editions, you crashed out in the round of 16. So, what would you have achieved if you were the current host?

Guinea: Well, I’m number 15 in the latest FIFA ranking, eight places behind you yet I beat you 2-0 a few days ago…

(Pin-drop silence engulfs the hall)

Algeria: Well, that’s not why we are here.

Cape Verde: Exactly!

Egypt: So, who are we awarding the Afcon to without kicking a ball?

Cameroon: Senegal!

Egypt: Is it because I dumped you from the last tournament in the semis?

Cameroon: No. Because Senegal is the defending champions after beating a noun spelt E.G.Y.P.T.

(Scuffles between Cameroon and Egypt)

Ivory Coast: We are brothers. Let’s resolve this matter and spare me the headache of hosting and losing the competition!

Senegal: I appreciate Cameroon’s trust in me, but I decline to accept the offer. There’s a general election coming up on February 25th and football is the last thing on my mind. But again, thank you Cameroon.

Cameroon: You’re welcome.

Benin Republic: My voice may not carry too much weight being the 20th placed African country on the FIFA ranking…

Nigeria: (cuts in) You’re right, paperweight!

Benin Republic: (continues as if he wasn’t interrupted) I suggest we hand over the trophy to Morocco. He’s not only number in Africa. He made the last four at the World Cup.

Algeria, Tunisia, and Egypt (scream): Morocco?

(They start walking out of the meeting)

Ghana: You guys may as well leave this gathering. However, when it comes to African football, you have little say.

Cape Verde: (raises his hand)

Ghana: You have no say, too!

(General laughter)

Nigeria: I disagree with Ghana like I disagree that his jollof rice is better than mine!

Ivory Coast: Be serious for once.

Ghana: The most successful teams in the history of the Afcon have decided to crown Morocco as the next king of African football.

Egypt: But I’m the most successful team with seven trophies.

Cameroon: You’re just two diadems ahead of me…

Ghana: (cuts in) And three more than my haul.

Ivory Coast: Egypt, we know you have won the trophy the most. But we, the other elites comprising five-time champions, Cameroon, four-time winners, Ghana, three-time champions, Nigeria…

Nigeria: (cuts in) Count me out, please…

Ivory Coast: Fine. Three-time winners, myself, and two-time champions, DR Congo, have decided to give this 2023 edition of the Afcon to Morocco, the best team on paper in Africa!

Egypt: (cuts in): I, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Sudan, Western Sahara, Mauritania, and Djibouti will leave CAF and form our federation and host unAfcon tournament!

Mozambique: I’ll join you guys…

South Africa: When elephants are talking, ants shouldn’t…

(General laughter)

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