Rest in Presidential Jannat, Mubarak

Hosni Mubarak the last pharaoh is dead. If you were caught in the web of the so-called Arab Spring a few years ago, you probably bought the lemon that Mubarak was a bad guy. That he was one of the last dinosaurs who plunged his country into chaos. Time to get on your knees and ask Allah for forgiveness. Mubarak is a saint who embraced his grave with full national honours.

At his last breathe, he was no longer the bad guy of 2011. All those who burnt tyres in Tahrir Square later realized they were duped. They would have announced their penitence on international media except that the caravan of international news has moved to COVID 19 and the hot borders between Syria and Turkey.

Now Hosni Mubarak has joined the other Pharaoh’s in Egyptian heaven. Those who once booed Mubarak, last week wished they could rewind the clock.

If earthly testimonies influence peaceful repose, Mubarak has joined the other saints in African presidential heaven. There, he earned the service of divine cooks, celestial stewards and angelic sentries. Reports from Cairo say Egypt stood still for their last Pharaoh. He earned his honours; so did Muammar Gaddafi.

Africa’s sickness did not start today. It is unlikely to end tomorrow. Our continent suffers from socio-economic and political incomplete metamorphosis. We had not transited the monarchical or the age grade system when colonial overlords foisted on us a system that even the Greeks were yet to fully understand.

Those systems have stunted the growth of our continent and subjected us, the citizens to all forms of abuse. That is why in most parts of the continent, presidents are elected monarchs – check with Yoweri Museveni, Paul Biya, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, Idris Derby Itno and they’ll confirm that their nation would burn if they leave office. And they are right. When you have been subjugated to a bad system for two or more generations, change becomes unbearable.

In political development, Africa is evolving. In corruption, our rulers have reached perfection. Of late, we have even evolved democratic monarchical transition in Togo and until lately, the Democratic Republic of Congo. Our posters of democratic progress is Rwanda!

African leaders are magnanimous Kings who periodically let other people attempt to overthrow them. Watch movie – The President.

The other day I was telling people not to believe Michele Obama’s testimony on the Oprah Winfrey show. There, Michele was giving reasons why she does not miss the White House. They got glorified titles of POTUS and FLOTUS , access to the codes that triggers Armageddon and occasional ride on The Beast and Air Force One but not even the food is free!

Stingy and ungrateful Americans don’t even feed their presidents for free. They compel the president to pay for his meals and any served his family or friends. In Nigeria we ask – is that one a president? If Buhari wants French caviar, he snaps his fingers and one jet lands in Paris and bring it back before he could wash his hands.

A comparison of candidate Buhari  with the General who recently returned from his last junket would confuse you.

African presidency comes with incredible perks that sometimes makes heaven pretty unattractive. It comes with immunity that makes the presidents second to the gods. This is why the concept of ‘elections’ doesn’t jell with us.

In death, scoundrels assume the toga of saints. Africans do not speak ill of the oppressive dead. As President, Mubarak did not have to pay for his own meals or those of his family. Indeed, it wasn’t until he was hounded out of office that one of his boys was sent to jail for abusing the vicarious privilege of a First Son. This is something totally unknown to Buhari’s photographer daughter. Her enemies almost questioned her use of presidential jets for personal purposes when her father owned the nation.

American presidents carry their frugality beyond their White House years. This is why I perished the idea of bringing Barack Obama to the annual Okeagi Day. It has nothing to do with the kidnapping on Obajana-Kabba Road.

African leaders are gods worshipped in office and deified in death. If you think otherwise, just imagine Libya after Muammar Gadaffi or Zimbabwe without Uncle Bob; Tunisia since the ouster of Ben Ali, Algeria after Bouteflika. You can’t convince Muhammadu Buhari that Sani Abacha stacked millions away. Tunisia was better under Ben Ali and Burkina Faso was paradise under Blaise Compaore.

Now imagine what Togo would have become had Faure not inherited his father’s eternal mandate? There’ll never have been a better DRC if Joseph had not inherited his father, Laurent Kabila.

As I monitored the funeral orations in honour of Mubarak, I could imagine him pumping the hands of the pantheon – Mobutu Sese Seko, Gnassingbe Eyadema, Laurent Kabila, and old Robert Mugabe.

Egypt spared no money immortalizing Mubarak, its last Pharaoh. It’s a guilty nation’s way of atoning for it crimes of wrongly toppling an irreplaceable ruiner. This is the apotheosis that every African ruiner hopes to attain – if not alive, certainly after death. Rest well in presidential heaven, Mohammed Hosni El Sayed Mubarak!