‘Real men don’t beat their wives’

Weekly Trust: How long have you been married?
We have been married for 21years.
How did you meet your spouse and what attracted you to him/her?
Mr. Emmanuel and Pastor (Mrs.) Chika Emmanuel Ebinne: I met my wife in 1986 during a NIFES (Nigerian fellowship of evangelical students) meeting at the University of Cross River state in Uyo.
Did you have problems with in-laws regarding giving the go ahead signal to the union?
Initially, yes, especially with my mother in-law but eventually we got the blessings of both and they crowned it by attending our wedding. We are not from the same state. I am from Cross Rivers while she is from Imo state. Today even after twenty one years of marriage we are happily married.
How many kids do you have?
We have two biological children that are 18 and 19 years of age. Both of them are university undergraduates. We also have an adopted son; we play parental roles to many people, including those that we counsel. As parents we see every child as our child whom we have a responsibility to help bring out the possibility in them.
What are the secrets to a good, long lasting relationship?
The secret to a good, long lasting relationship are love, submission, understanding and forgiveness. Once two people live together, conflict must come and it takes forgiveness (even in advance) to overcome it. Fidelity and trust are also important ingredients in a winning home. They are like the spirit and soul of marriage
Do you apply principles from your work in your day to day activities, especially in your marriage?
Yes. Such principles as patience and forbearance, these principles are very important for every marriage to be built on a solid foundation.
After years of marriage, what is that unique thing about your spouse that amuses you till date?
My wife is a good planner who knows virtually all the birth dates and wedding anniversary dates of all our friends and family. It’s also a delight to confirm their time. My wife knows how to appreciate God for the gift of children; she is also kind and helpful to the downtrodden, the orphans and motherless babies. She is a missionary and she goes all out to mobilize help for the missionaries in the jungle. She is always there for people who need a listening ear. I most times thank God that for the kind of kind hearted woman he gave me as a wife. She tries and takes delight in   making sure she touches and makes a difference in someone’s life no matter how little, even if it is just a smile.
How much of a role does emotional intelligence play in your relationship?
Our emotional intelligence plays out to agree with what is acceptable and pleasing to God. That is what the will of God is.
Marriages come with a lot of challenges, what is it that has kept you going despite all the challenges?
 Challenges are bound to happen and we have had a good dose of it but God helps us out of them all. The love and faith we have in each other have been of tremendous help in overcoming challenges
What did your parents think about your mate when they met him/her, how did you deal with it?
My parents believed and accepted my wife. There was no resistance from them, unlike my wife’s parents especially the mother. It is good to note that now she is one of my closest friends even in her old age. We just prayed and believed that with time her parents will give into our decision to marry each other.
What are some of the biggest adjustments you have made since being married?
We have had to adjust to prevailing situations and circumstances especially in financial and home management. Adjustment is something, every couple has to do once the marital vows are taken and the marriage kicks off proper.
What role has communication played in your marriage?
Communication is a survival ingredient- we never allow our communication to suffer. We have been together all our marriage time except for when we were in school. We talk continually. As marriage counselors communication frequency is always our yardstick to measure the life and prospect of relationships.
What is the hardest thing you have had to deal with in your married life and how did you deal with it?
The hardest thing we have to deal with in our marriage is financial challenges. In all of it God has been our help in time of need and my wife’s understanding is always like a balm to it.
How did you incorporate traditions from our childhood into raising your family? What type of new traditions did you start?
One of the traditions inherited from our family is the trust in GOD and prayers. We effectively carried it to our home and built on it. Education is another tradition because it is like an industry in our home
How ware household chores divided among you and your spouse? Has it changed over the years?
Household chores are not necessarily divided due to the understanding we have.  I do what women do too like cooking, sweeping and bathing babies. My wife plans the meals and cooks especially breakfast.
How do you deal with conflict in your marriage?
Forgiveness, love and submission are silencers of conflicts because conflicts can’t thrive under such atmosphere. I am not a wife beater and my wife bridles her tongue. Real men don’t beat their wives and virtuous women bridle their tongues.
How do you feel about your spouse now compared with when you first got together?
I feel good about my spouse everyday and I feel that I would have been stranded without her
What advice would you give intending couples about finding a mate?
The advice I will give them is to marry the person that they love but the person has to love them too. God answers prayers when it comes to marriage too so I’ll also advice them to pray about it. People that have things in common get along more than people that are different in many ways. People should as much as possible be attracted to people who share similar aspirations or ambitions in life. Though sometimes there are exceptions.
How important is trust and how will he or she know they can trust the one they are about to marry?
Trust is crucial in marriage even at the dating level. Trust drives relationship from the foundation, cementing it and consolidating it in the process. So search for trust when you are looking for a marriage partner.
We see so many young couples planning their wedding, but forgetting to plan for the rest of their lives together; how can they learn how to get it right the first time around? What advice do you have for them?
You don’t plan for marriage when you are in it but long before it. You don’t learn how to fight in the war front but before battle. If people plan for marriage the way they plan for wedding ceremonies, the marriage will succeed.  Even as a teenager you can visualize the perfect home you wish to run and prayerfully work towards it.