RE: O LEADER

Manga Muhammad: This is indeed a very educating, interesting and entertaining piece. However, please tell him that some of his former governor colleagues are already canvassing to Act for Actor in case Actor continues to Act for you. Action! And people are confused as to the position of First Lady. The One is healthy, so needs no Actress, but the Other’s husband is Active, so she must be Acting?

Muhammad Uthman: Your piece was, as usual, very amusing, especially the last paragraph which was about the purported interview with Mansur Liman. Keep it up!

Suleiman Mohammed Tukur: As usual, the piece is entertaining. However, you did not say much about Shugaba’s Boys (and Girls) who are neither championing the Leader’s cause nor that of the nation.

Modibbo U, Gombe: May Allah increase your knowledge and wisdom. You said the minds of many of us on the unfolding events in the country. We were experiencing a democratic coup by the civilians on a civilian, in wanton disregard to the Constitution; little did we know that some people  have hidden agenda of taking over power from the president by any means. Allah Ya ba Mallam Umaru lafiya, amin.

Abubakar M, Bauchi: Hahaha! Can’t stop laughing at your pieces, Mallam Bala. So Madam Rebrander is in hot pepper soup, as she has bitten the very fingers that have fed her… it is her turn to be rebranded!

Mustapha M, Kaduna: Love reading your pieces. It is the first thing I read in the Saturday papers. This one is wonderful. It is as you said it is wallahi.

Musa Umar Gwarzo: May Allah continue to pour more blessings upon you. Seeing these few weeks of Acting by Actor, it is scary what they would do to us were he to assume Captain. Allah Ya kiyaye, Ya tsare.

Abba Anwar: Wallahi Mallam you said it as it should be said. Right and spot on! Allah ba da lada.

Mohammed R, Bauchi: I was on my sick bed in hospital, yet couldn’t help laughing heartily. The nurses came rushing in to find out if it were another symptom! Alhamdu lillah the humour has quickened my convalescence. Thank you very much.

Alasan K, Kaduna: Although I am a full-blooded member of the Fee-Dee-Fee, I must congratulate you for pointing out to us the brazen act by our rulers (we). Kai! But for the fact that I am part of the receivers of your bashing, I would have congratulated you on, as usual, a brilliant piece.

Yakubu R, Bauchi: Kai! This is a must read! Just hope the Excellent One would be able to read it, or be able to hear it read to him. You captured the situation in such a few words and at the same time delivered the message to those who could discern. You should thank God for this gift, wallahi.

Yusuf Adamu, ANA President, Kano: The Association of Nigerian Authors, Kano State Branch, is considering publishing your new poem, National Anathema, in its Anthology of Nigerian Poetry. Congratulations.

Barrister Danlami Wushishi: If Shugaba is really back, why hasn’t anybody believable told us he has seen him? Today no one but Allah is in control of our ship of state. And Allah is enough for us.

Aliyu Abubakar, Sokoto: Mallam, do you remember the book “How Europe Underdeveloped Africa” by Walter Rodney? How Europe ravaged Africa and took away its men and raw materials and developed the capitalist system? Have you forgotten the Hausa translation of Europe? It is Turai.

Finally, by consensus of readers, the following are some of the remaining issues Shugaba should be informed about:

Busy Bodies: Ya Shugaba! Several old men are going about everywhere trying to ‘solve’ the problem they created for us. The team even includes that former Alkali who could have saved you and the nation had he annulled Your Excellent Election and awarded it to General Healthy Longfellow who, Your Excellent Self has admitted in several places, was the best friend of the late General First Brother. And O Leader, General Longfellow has resigned from his party.

OBJ Objective: Ya Shugaba! Instead of calling Your Excellent Self on phone to confirm Your (Ma Sha Allah) Aliveness as he used to, the Old Man urged Your Very Goodness to choose the path of honour. Honour? Shall the twain ever meet? Does he know it?

Mega Fall: Ya Shugaba! When you left on November 23, we were struggling to reach the 6,000 megawatts you promised. Soon as you were gone, they all relaxed. We dare not tell you the mega fall the power situation experienced. Even us who are robust and healthy can get a fit. Better left unsaid, O Leader.

MEND Broken: Ya Shugaba! They used to say ‘don’t mend until it is broken’. Sir, it is broken. MEND. The Amnesty you so generously gave is unravelling. The so-called MEND has shredded it to pieces. The broke some pipelines, as is their stock in trade. And that helped, it is claimed, in our Mega Fall above.

Scarcity Abundance: Ya Shugaba! Soon as you left Sir, fuel queues made us despondent. Coupled with missing you. Though we Nigerians are used to this type of suffering, it was too much. We suffered, and are still suffering. They are telling us that Deregulation is the answer; that poor Katsina is subsidising fuel with as much money as rich Lagos. What cheap propaganda! What cheap talk! In a country without any form of Social Security, where even pensioners die on pension queues! Haba!

Bronze Eagles: Ya Shugaba! Remember those Super Boys you wished Goodluck at the African Nations Cup? Yes, the ones you mentioned on that BBC interview. They didn’t have much Goodluck, they brought us a miserable Bronze Medal. And all 140 million of us have the Patience to accept it. Kai! Haba Bronze! Don’t we have copper mines where we can get manufacture our own bronzes here? And oh, they just recruited a foreign coach who has never even won a bronze in his life! Intervene, O Leader!

Golden 36: Ya Shugaba! A princely and presidential sum of $2b (N300b) was generously shared between Your Main Branch, 36 Appendages and774 Micros. No wonder they rushed to support Actor. Hope they told you that. They are trying to do it again.

Bronze Anambra: Ya Shugaba! Ehm, Ehm…Sir. Your Excellent Party won Bronze Medal in the recent elections in Anambra State. The polished Soludo did as well as the Super Eagles: all Bronze.

Naira Rain: Ya Shugaba! For an anecdote, there was this gist recently that a Prayer Session convened for your quick recovery, instead of the expected Naira Rain, it rained abuses and blows over the sharing. Don’t know whether the du’a was finished with Amin.

All OK: Ya Shugaba, despite and in spite of all lamentations above, we are all otherwise OK, alhamdu lillah! Allah Ya ba ka lafiya!

Magaji Bauchi: Ya Shugaba! Unto us a child is born. In Bauchi. And his name shall be as the Grandfather. For he is a Magaji. Allah Ya raya.