In this interview, a senior registrar and psychiatrist at the Jos University Teaching Hospital (JUTH), Dr Josephine Akpolile, speaks on the mental health implications of spouses hiding phones from each other.
Why do you think couples hide their phones from one another?
Phone secrecy in relationships could mean the act of hiding or concealing activities, maybe information or interactions with people or objects, from one’s partner.
So, one of the reasons men and women do so from my own standpoint, is in sometimes, trying to set boundaries.
If people are not comfortable with what to share with other people, they kind of hide it. But interestingly, people think that marriage can just give you the access to other people’s personal space or property and that’s why it’s becoming an issue, and why we are talking about it.
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Another reason might be to avoid unnecessary conflicts and arguments, because you have checked my phone and something else will come on.
People can do that because they are insecure, do not want the other person to know what they are doing. They are not secured enough to share their space, because maybe they feel they will be judged, but they are less important than their partner, this is a self-esteem issue.
Medically, what could be responsible?
Well, I know there are symptoms in psychiatry that people become paranoia, like schizophrenia. So because of that, they start hiding from people, they become highly suspicious of people. The phone secrecy can be seen in some patients that have maybe something like bipolar mania. And it could be personality too, so personality of people can be accessed to know, maybe they just like to keep things to themselves. So some personality disorders may be attributed to that as well.
Is it indicative of a deeper psychological challenge?
Yes, of course, when you see people hide their phones, sometimes it could be from the fact that they are already experiencing anxiety or stress from the relationship.
Or it could be that act itself is causing the anxiety and stress. So they are fearful of being discovered, you know. Sometimes, it can even contribute to depression because when people are feeling unheard, or not understood, they don’t want to share their space so that the depression will not worsen. That can bring low mood, low energy, and before you know, the full symptoms of depression come in.
What is the potential mental health impact on both partners in marriage?
One of it that I’m very sure of, and most people can experience, is obsessive thoughts. You know, obsession is desire, a compulsive desire to get something done. So the person keeps having thoughts about how to do it, ruminate about it, so that when the person is sleeping, they could set an alarm to wake up so that they can pick up the phone of the partner.
Or when the phone is ringing, they hide to go and pick it, mimicking the voice of the person just to listen to who is on the other side. So there’s obsession that can be associated with thoughts and behavior. The person can also become hyper vigilant, which are symptoms of post-traumatic stress.
Some other mental health impact apart from the anxiety, stress, is that it can cause depression and sometimes they have sleep disturbance. It can get bad because one partner will now disrupt his own sleep in order to get somebody’s phone. And before you know, the person cannot maintain a good sleep pattern again. Because of that, the person cannot concentrate during the day, as sleep helps in consolidation of information. They wake up in the morning not refreshed, upset. And if the couple fails to work things out, it can become very critical and may need medication and treatment.
Are there other psychological issues?
They feel rejected, because women go into marriage relationship and they feel like all of the space is theirs. So when the male partners become secretive to them, they feel rejected. And because women internalise, they may not be able to say a lot. Another thing that can happen, they lose their joy, so the feeling of sadness can set in. They can even become quite irritable from that. They can become paranoid, because they keep suspecting. They start suspecting the partner and every other person that comes into the house who may discuss something that looks like what they have come across on the partner’s phone.
This suspicion can cause depression, increasing anxiety and heart palpitations. These are psychological symptoms that can even be diagnosed in them.
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