One woman’s experience rising above a failed marriage

Title: When the Fog Lifts

Author: Seme Unuigbe-Eroh

Publisher: Masobe Books

Pages: 265

Reviewer: Nathaniel Bivan

I have never read a book themed around the experience of a divorcee, and I honestly didn’t think I could enjoy one. That is, until I read Seme Unuigbe-Eroh’s story.

‘When the Fog Lifts’ is a collection of essays, a memoir really, if you ask me. Each piece is brief with Discussion and Reflection Questions at the end, and two journal pages. Before I started, I wondered why the author deemed it necessary to do so, but the first and second chapters quickly laid this question to rest.

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Unuigbe-Eroh married the first person who proposed to her while she was in her early twenties. Coming from an upper, middle-class background, she had left Nigeria to school at Georgia Southwestern State University. At that point, she wrote, “I was very sheltered, naïve, and trusting, and the only relationships I had observed up close were my parents’ and those in my family dynamic.”

She grew up in a home where Dad pays the bills, gives Mum money for food and all house-hold expenses. She sees all these and feels that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But that was until she got married and learned the hard way.

Married, she works, goes to activities, cooks dinner, cleans, schedules, and takes kids to doctor’s appointments, wakes up at night to feed the baby, goes back to work post-partum, and plays the roles of Mum and Dad.

When Unuigbe-Eroh had a quarrel with her husband, he would keep malice. This happened even before they got married. There was an imbalance in power and she always was the one who had to apologise. With time, she missed being cuddled and longed for her husband to pamper her or refuse to let her be when she was upset.

When it got to the point where the communication gap between the author and her husband was unbearable, she solicited for intervention from friends. But, instead of a resolution, somehow, it turned into a blame game that defeated the main aim of the meeting.

One remarkable angle to reading Unuigbe-Eroh’s memoir is that it leads to self-examination, particularly if you are a man. I found myself examining myself and, for the first time, seeing marriage through the experience of a woman and from a different standpoint. Is it just possible that a woman may just need some time off from all the house chores and other things men believe she should do? When is it right for the man to come in, or should he simply be part of it all?

The writer points out that it’s probably best for couples to talk about everything and lay it all out instead of expecting their partner to read their mind. She gives examples of people she has spoken to who willingly shared from their experiences and how it works for them. Some couples just know when to come in and support their spouse, others spell out who should do what and spend money on what.

If sitting down with a therapist helps, reading Unuigbe-Eroh’s work is different. It lets you learn through the life of your therapist. In this case, the author. And yes, she admits, writing is therapeutic for her.

What is noteworthy is that the author never totally exonerates herself from blame. She explains that she probably jumped to get married to her husband, the first to propose to her, probably with the thought that no one else would ask. So, she encourages women here never to be in a hurry to marry and take their time, beware of warning signs and end the relationship where necessary.

Unuigbe-Eroh also pointed at the need for one to build fences. She writes: “Many people are fortunate enough to know what type of fences they want around their home or hearts.

“I wonder if people are consciously building those fences and know how to keep them maintained, painted, reinforced, and looking good. I don’t know the answer. What I do know is that I am forty-two years old, and I am just learning what boundaries are from my therapist, who referred me to the book ‘Boundaries’ by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend.”

However, one of the shortcomings of this work shows from the front cover. ‘When the Fog Lifts’ is sufficient and there’s absolutely no need for ‘Gaining Clarity After Chaos and Confusion’ at the bottom. The former already explains that the chaos is in the past. Then there’s also the issue of length. The chapters were interesting up till more than half of the book, but seemed forced towards the end when the story should have been concluded.

But that’s by the way. One other thing I love about this book is how easy it is to read. It’s fast-paced, funny (and sad) and the writer speaks her mind with a frightening honesty that endears her to the readers. More so because you can sense how hard she’s trying to heal through the process and yet still protects her ex-husband through her efforts to be objective. So, yes, I’m currently trying to get as many people as possible to read ‘When the Fog Lifts’. I believe it will save many marriages and help couples look beyond the surface, dig deep, understand each other by asking and answering questions with sincerity, and most of all, creating a fair balance in the home where neither feels cheated and unappreciated.