I had the misfortune of sitting in front of a really loud, opinionated Naija man on a flight from the US recently. He was chatting with two women he had met on the flight and commenting loudly about how badly one of the two women was handling some relationship issue. She hadn’t asked for advice. More than twice, he prefaced his remarks with, “All women do (insert some uncomplimentary sexist remark), including my own mother!”
As if by insulting his poor mother, it was less of an insult and more of an irrefutable fact. The women he was talking to either agreed with him, were too engaged with the conversation to rebuff him or had been raised to be “good girls” who did not make themselves unlikable by pointing out a man’s ill behaviour.
In any case, I think that any man full of himself enough to boldly and loudly offer unsolicited advice, and unwise enough to insult all women while talking to two new women friends he had made isn’t likely to take correction.
The sad, heartbreaking and frustrating thing was to witness these women going along with it. How great it would have been had the man been checked by these women who owed him nothing! It may have chipped away at him and his ego, perhaps eventually forcing him to reckon with his sexism and unwarranted rudeness. Even if it hadn’t, it would have been satisfying to have seen them call him out (not to shame him, but to show that they would not stand for misogyny).
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I was so irritated that I was tempted to say something myself, but I wasn’t part of their conversation and shouldn’t have been listening at all in the first place.
This man lives in the United States, and I can bet you that he is less vocal about what he thinks of women there. The fear of litigation and other consequences keeps some of our men better behaved abroad (and with Western women) than they are with Nigerian women. It is a bit like Mister in The Color Purple by Alice Walker, who physically and verbally abuses his wife, lashing out at her for every infraction, but behaves like a teenager in love in the presence of his mistress, Shug Avery, even cooking for her.
Perhaps it is not that these men don’t know how to behave but that they don’t care to behave in the presence of those they don’t fear or respect.
This double standard is infuriating. The idea that respect is contingent on fear or the potential for consequences rather than being what a fellow human being deserves speaks volumes about how our cultures and the society devalue women. In cultures where the idea of the docile woman is upheld as the ideal to strive for, women are often expected to be silent, accommodating and accepting whatever behaviour is thrown their way. This expectation is so internalised that many women, like the two on the plane, didn’t even think to question why a man they didn’t know should talk to them so disrespectfully.
Conversely, the “understanding” woman is praised for knowing her place and accepting that she has certain behaviours innate to her gender. There are a few of them on the social media living off praises from men who tell them they are not like other women who pretend not to see the ‘flaws’ inherent in their gender. They thrive on these praises, challenging anyone who dares to point out their harmful behaviour. Sickening!
It is frustrating to see women who ought to join the fight against sexism and misogyny undermining it by refusing to condemn acts of disrespect towards them.
I really wish those women on the plane had said something. It is not just about making a scene or calling out bad behaviour for the sake of it, it is about demanding respect. They owed it to themselves, their children and the teenage girl who was travelling alone and sitting in their midst.
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