NPA; No Political Ambition

During our secondary school days, we had schoolmates that sneaked out of the compound every night to go to the cinema.  Some of them watched so many Indian films that they spoke a smattering of Hindi. Some other students were obsessed with girls; still others were addicted to Indian hemp, while others ate so much food at the school cafeteria [we called them KCs, kitchen consumers] but they paid little attention in class. Film addicts, hemp smokers and KCs were collectively known as NFA. Not Nigeria Football Association, no. It means No Future Ambition.

I did not belong to the NFA club in those days but today, I will like to declare my membership of another club very similar in disposition. I am an NPA. Not Nigeria Ports Authority, thank you. It means No Political Ambition. My stance could shock thousands of Nigerians that are scrambling for any available political post, elective or appointive, as 2019 approaches. 

I do not want to be a Local Government councilor. The closer politics is to the grassroots, the dirtier it is. If I were to go back home and seek to become a councilor, someone could stand up on the podium and say my great grandfather was a settler, that he built our family house on a piece of borrowed land. In Nigeria, if you do not know your family history, try to become a local government councilor. 

I have every love for Local Government Chairmen but my aspiration to be a Local Government Chairman evaporated the day the late Comrade Chris Abashi told me his experience as Chairman of Nasarawa Eggon Local Government. He said whenever he opened his window at 6am, at least 30 people were already waiting to see him. The mark of a good chairman, he said, was to call them in one by one and listen to their complaints. Not one of them will complain about a school, road, culvert or hospital, but everyone will ask for money to pay for rent, medical bills, school fees, marriage, travel etc. The mark of a “good” chairman is to dip his hand in his pocket and dish out the money.

I very much respect state legislators but I don’t want to be a member of a State House of Assembly. In Nigerian politics, to become a member of a State Assembly, you must first fail to become a Local Government Chairman. A Nigerian grassroots politician’s first wish is to become an LG chairman because Executive seats are juicier. It is when you fail to get that post that you are compensated with a State Assembly seat, and you immediately begin to plan for the next local elections. 

I respect commissioners very much but I do not want to become a commissioner. Each of the 19 Northern states today has more commissioners than the Northern Region had ministers, with “ministries” that were once units in large ministries. Although I like the House of Representatives, I do not want to be a Rep. Every worker tries to hide his salary from his wife but a Rep’s wife regularly reads about her husband’s salary and allowances in the newspaper. Every kobo that a Rep gets is reported in the newspaper, and his wife will be ready with a shopping list by the time he gets home.

I have every respect for Senators but I do not want to be a senator. A senatorial district usually includes many local governments and it is very difficult to get because politicians will say it is the turn of this or that local government. As a man who loves privacy, I do not like to go home for the weekend and people will flock to my house saying I must give them part of the money I collected in Abuja. 

I have very high regard for Deputy Governors but I do not want to become a Deputy Governor. For one, it has the blandest job description in the 1999 Constitution. Its main function is to deputise for the governor in his absence. In 1980 when Bendel State Governor Prof Ambrose Alli went abroad, he wrote a letter to his deputy telling him what it means to be the Acting Governor. Alli said he should not reshuffle the cabinet, make any appointment, sack anyone or award any contract. Since then my aspiration to become a deputy governor evaporated. 

I have the highest regard for state governors but I do not want to be a governor. To begin with, I like sleeping but from what I see in the eyes of many governors, they get by with very little sleep. If bandits rustle cattle or attack villages or if some villages engage in a fight to settle ancestral scores, people will say the governor must find a solution. How can he, when he was not born at the time the crisis started? The Constitution alleges that the governor is the Chief Security Officer of his state but I do not want to call a police commissioner only for the Inspector General to tell him not to come. Or maybe he will come but he will slap me with a huge bill before he carries out a small assignment, such as arresting Baba Alakio. 

I have every respect for ministers but I do not want to be a minister. Ministers are said to represent their states, not their professions, in the Federal Cabinet. Abuja is an expensive city to live in and I do not want all the people of my home state to congregate in my house and say I am representing them, so I should arrange for their accommodation, food and transport fare back home. 

I have very high regard for Ambassadors but I do not want to be an ambassador. Many years ago, I read a book called Diplomacy, which said the purpose of diplomatic language is for statesmen to say sharp things to one another without being impolite. If a diplomat says “my government views with concern,” he means “my government will not tolerate.” If a communique describes a meeting between two Heads of State as “frank and business-like,” it means they nearly came to blows. I do not want to talk like that. 

I respect Special Advisers but I do not want to be a Special Adviser. We have hundreds of Special Advisers in Nigeria. If all the advice they are giving is listened to, will the country be like this? I do not want to join their ranks and give advice just for the heck of it.

I have the highest respect for the Vice President of the Federal Republic but I do not want to be the Vice President. If Deputy Governors are described as spare tyres of a small car, the Vice President must be the spare tyre of ten-ton trailer. Every day the President will send him to represent him at a funeral, wedding, turbanning of a chief, inauguration of a sit-tight African dictator or to sympathise with victims of a farmers/herders clash. I do not want to attend such functions.

I have the highest respect for the President of the Federal Republic but I do not want to become the President. To begin with, I have no program. Do not be deceived by the things I say in this column; I do not have the solution to any problem. For example, my solution to the conflict between farmers and herders is to round up all of them and throw them out of Nigeria but a lawyer told me that my solution is unconstitutional. I asked him if we could throw the Constitution out of the window as well, and he said that will also be unconstitutional. What is the use of being called the Commander-in-Chief if you cannot pick up a booklet and hurl it out of the window? That is why I have No Political Ambition.