Not corruption, but a mop-up operation

I can stand every criticism of government except blasphemy. Impugning the character of my rulers doesn’t go well with me. In the history of political, and even military leadership, the President Buhari era would ever maintain its record for decency, prudence, accountability and of course frugality. And for fighting corruption, Buhari earned the trust of all other African leaders.

No government, since Mr Lugard shamefully tucked the union joke into his girlfriend’s basket and flew back to London, England has ever demonstrated an incomparable level of unparalleled prudence. If Buhari were not handing over to a trusted party stalwart, I could have said I stand to be corrected. As it is, I stand never to be corrected.

This is the only government that has never come under the scrutiny of the National Assembly for misdemeanour. In the eyes of the National Assembly, every act of this government has gone well. Not once has any member seen the need to query any act of government in eight years.

For a regime whose candidate dismissed fuel subsidy as a scam that would end with his swearing in, the litre price of petrol has moved from N87 to N350 and now settled around N300. Not a whimper from the traditionally restless labour unions. Government claims it was withdrawing the inexistent subsidy.  Apologies, that line is blasphemy.

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Subsidy took on a new name – under-recovery. That is the truth, the alternative truth and nothing but the truth because President Buhari, mai Gaskiya, the incorruptible, one has retained the substantive post of petroleum minister in the last eight years. Remember, Buhari can’t be wrong.

Nigerians are impatient lots. Kemi Adeosun did nothing wrong, except if a Cockney accent and a lack of an NYSC discharge certificate made her unsuitable as finance minister. Nigerians heckled, hounded and almost prevented her from boarding the plane back to her home country – the United Kingdom – but thanks to British Airways.

With her exit, Ogun State’s loss became Kaduna State’s gain as Buhari found a home-grown accountant, Madam Zainab Ahmed and appointed her our Minister of Finance, Budget and National Planning. Madam Ahmed is a miracle worker except your gulma or gossip eye is examining Nigeria’s burgeoning $49 billion debt profile.

Unlike some economy ministers of weaker countries like Britain that changes ministers faster than they change train stations at the London Underground, Madam Ahmed still earns the president’s confidence. Well, except when he was recolouring the naira.

During the global COVID-19 pandemic when most economies nosedived, Nigeria’s economy listed, but did not drown, thanks to Madam’s dexterity. It happened because in 2019, Mrs Ahmed obtained an honorary degree from the PMB School of Good Governance, shared money, known as palliatives and different from where Canadians send those dying of diseases to Nigerians. All those who could have succumbed to the fatal disease of poverty received a N5,000 upliftment from Madam Ahmed. An estimated N2.4 billion was withdrawn from our federation account for that jamboree. Little wonder this government got a landslide victory at the polls to remain in power.

Enemies of Nigeria swore they did not see the names of Mama Nkechi, the okpa seller; Iya Biliki the pure water merchant or Malam Danbuzu the mai shayi or tea maker on the list. These analogue brains were trying to audit a WiFi distribution done over a secured network. They failed.

The dexterity with which she performed that magic has prompted the World Bank, the Breton Wood institute that buries the potentials of competitive economies to grant her more.

Madam Ahmed has won an extra $800 million to be shared to 50 million poor Nigerians. This time, it shall be done by Bluetooth as beneficiaries skip the rope of poverty into the opulence of the millionaire club. Quite sad Madam Ahmed could be gone before she could be recognised.

While Madam Ahmed has broken records, there is another cabinet minister giving her a run for her Nobel nomination in prudence and innovation. Hadi Sirika, Nigeria’s Aviation Minister who of late has been grooming an ascetic beard. Five years after unveiling a new airline for the nation at the Farnborough International Air Show in the United Kingdom, Nigeria is yet to purchase a single plane. Perhaps for good reasons too. Sirika has recently obtained his license to ride in a fire truck. He did so while unveiling the 10 fire trucks he bought for our airports at N12 billion or N1.2 billion apiece.

Sirika is still promising that his e-airline would fly. We all know what happened to the paper planes we made as students in school. They flew, except we could not sit in them. This might be the fate of Nigeria Air, which logo was allegedly designed in Bahrain. Rather than nominate this Sirika guy for an ICAO’s honour, there are fake purchasers of fire trucks wasting the time of the Turkish manufacturers of the airline to see if they could fault the minister’s well-negotiated discount. We all know that they will never succeed, except Fani Kayode returns to his old portfolio. He likes to talk.

With exactly 42 days to triumphantly return to Daura to his cows, people are trying to tar the integrity garment of this regime. My hunch is that this is the handiwork of enemies from Minna and Abeokuta, two cities that are soon to lose their status as the New Jerusalem for those looking for endorsement to leadership positions.

Sunday Dare, my good friend and brother, almost raised national blood pressure when he announced that Nigeria would need N23 billion to renovate the moribund Lagos National Stadium. This must be a good project. Every Nigerian without a Guinean passport supports a European League team. Yes daddy, you heard me right.

If the Dare stadium renovation project finally sees the light of day, the final unveiling would give the Rio-based Maracana Stadium the top price as the most beautiful. When that happens, all European league teams’ training and matches would be moved to Lagos, just like Britain is moving its unwanted black migrants to Rwanda. Now who says these patriots are not thinking, working and acting in the national interest?

With a Mai Gaskiya, the incorruptible one in charge, none of these transactions scheduled to be hung on the neck of the incoming administration smells of corruption. They are meant to mop up excess liquidity and leave no stone unturned before the final exit.

These things happen at state levels too. You may recall Dancer Ademola Adeleke threatening his predecessor not to leave an empty treasury. Kano’s people’s governor, Abba K Yusuf, aka Abba Gida Gida, has been threatening incumbent integrity governor, Abdullahi Ganduje, not to borrow any more money on the eve of his departure. These neophytes know nothing about mopping up. Now, they should because it is possible to achieve in 42 days, what you have failed to dream of in four or eight years. It’s the power of a mop-up operation.