News from presidential reconciliation room

The new media are the problems of any nation. They make mountains out of molehills and can foist acrimony on the camp of friends. They also bear false witness. If a Naija media reported a chanced meeting of lions becoming vegetarians, only an immature gazelle would go dancing in the field. Except the reports were of paradise, which doesn’t sell in the media world of competition, lions don’t eat grass.
If you believe the new media, Rotimi Amaechi re-enacted what Daniel did over the weekend. He drove himself to the lion’s den for a meeting and drove himself out without harassment from Commissioner Mbu for threatening the life of the President and Her Majesty the Mother of the Nation. A man who earned our sympathy with pictures of uniformed thugs blocking him from entering his house and office suddenly returned from peace meeting with his archenemy. He was not arrested to prevent the breakdown of law and order in the rock.
He agreed to a meeting held in Her Majesty’s confe-rence room and went there in short knickers. It follows then that IGP Abubakar should be expected to shor-ten his honeymoon and give some explanations to Commissioner Mbu.
If the media is to be believed, all the spitting and swearing governors and renegades of the ruining party also drove themselves to the meeting. By the time you are reading this, the media would be telling us who drank what at that meeting, except that they all came out with a strong promise – to keep the media at arm’s length. Expect a transcribed publication of this meeting to rival Naija’s second two thirds of 19 states mathematical conundrum that forced retired Barrister Obafemi Awolowo to dust his wig and gown and return to the Supreme Court in 1979.
Nineteen is a recurrent stubborn decimal in our country’s politics. Remember 19 is now officially less than 16 even if you turn both figures upside down. Those who doubt me should ask the mathematical Bishop of Rayfield about God’s views on rigging.
We may need Scotland Yard to ensure that Ogbeni Rauf the phone recorder was not lurking around somewhere. Or we may agree with my boss, Dan Agbese, that any story with the verb ‘may’ is Jeffry Archer trying to enter the newsroom. Mr Agbese has no problems with Archer, provided he doesn’t show up in his newsroom.
So, the media wants us to believe that the people who have sworn to truncate President Jones’ third term ambition have withdrawn their empty threats and bitten the dust with their mouths like the snail. Maybe they were persuaded by Ahmed Gulak’s position that the president would exercise his rights under the constitution?
Talking about rights, we know that the president reads his rights more than he reads salient sections of the constitution. How? Because if the president read the international charter of rights of the citizenry; he would subsume his constitutional rights to third term, to the rights to fair housing. That should win the admiration of 40 million Naija people who live daily on the fringes of homelessness.
If the president gave the right to food, it would puncture the balloon of endemic poverty. If President implements the right to health, maternal mortality and morbidity would win him the votes of rural women. If the President slashed his own salary and those of an indolent national assembly to make money to pay ASUU, Naija students would be recruited into his tazarche or continuity train. If the President paid salaries as and when due, the evil service would vote for him without scruples. If the President read the charter on employment and implements it copiously, he could rule forever.
But here he is, our dear president who knows his own rights much more than he knows his national responsibilities. And when-ever he seems to tire from the monotony of hearing his own voice, there are acolytes, like Ahmed Gulak who took turns reciting them to him so much so that his rights are now matters of state policy while the citizens are left to look for cassava bread. Nobody cares to read to the president, the charter of presidential responsibilities.
So, don’t believe what you read in the new media about quarrels, because they never tell you about the largest room in the world of ruiners – the room for reconciliation in Aso Rock.