Naija, an investor’s haven

Just one look at Sai Baba smiling happily away in Tokyo and Japanese investors knew they had a haven in Naija. The Japanese cannot read anything not scribbled in Hiragana and Katakana. Imagine how shocked they’d have been to learn that the haven being sold to them recorded 1,463 disposable human lives in 330 attacks in the first seven months of this year alone. That’s a lot even for a country of 200 million.

Thankfully, what consumes Naija citizens usually spare foreigners. For, in the statistics reeled out by Dr. Amina Shamaki, Permanent Secretary, Special Duties, in the presidency, there were no foreign casualties. I have no sympathy for Dr. Shamaki. Anyone using statistics like wicked NGOs and pesky activists deserve whatever happens to them.

So, I won’t be surprised if the woman ends up in the DSS gulag with subversive elements and revolutionaries such as Sheikh Ibrahim Elzakzaky, Omoyele Sowore and Dadiyata. People reeling out death figures when their president is abroad wooing investors deserve to be hanged. That is the law and if Buba Galadima doesn’t like it, he can relocate to Niger Republic and stop haranguing Sai Babarians.

In the Naija of Sai Baba’s phantasms, there’s absolutely no reason for any Naija to go abroad when he could go on their behalf. In the heaven created by the ruining APC, nobody needs to scam Americans or infuriate xenophobic South Africans by feeding their drug habit.

Our president exudes power, wealth and of course, security. He was even quoted as threatening Iran to stop its plan to Islamize or Shianize Naija! If they refuse, we would nuke them before either the Israeli or the Americans get them.

Back to Shamaki spoiling the president’s best efforts in Birnin Kebbi, it is apparent she did not read the memo from the presidential retreat. All official lies must be coordinated from the same source and every truth must be weighed against its potentials. Silence is golden.

Government does not count casualties if a member of their clan is involved. Thankfully, the brain and security manpower needed to keep everybody safe is reserved for the privileged only. It could be conjectured that Shamaki had a uniformed guard to carry her handbag. Even 35,000 kilometres above sea level, Naija government officials always go with armed security. Manpower that is needed to keep the nation safe is spent protecting the one per cent ruiners.

If Masari knows what’s good for him, he should depose the village head of Wurma Alhaji Mustapha Muhammed who confessed that bandits abducted 49 members of his village in a raid. It is embarrassing to the president and the governor of his state.

All of Naija’s independent media outlets should be shut down. They have no sense of patriotism. The way they report bad news, you would think that NTA, Radio Nigeria and NAN are only called media houses during NUJ elections. Their reportage of truth affects cow ovulation. Veterinarians swear that peace and tranquility is necessary for cows to multiply.

In the week of Sai Baba’s investor-friendly tour of Japan, some media houses reported bloody clashes between fraternities in Lagos. Such reports insinuate that Naija is so insecure that Sai Baba could not wait for his host Prime Minister to return from his G7 meeting before jetting off for fresh air. If earthquake and tsunami prone Japan records 1,000 avoidable deaths in seven months, or 49 abductions in one day, even the Emperor would abdicate the throne.

The media gleefully reported that while Sai Baba was savouring matcha in Japan, his home state of Katsina and Adamawa, his wife’s birthplace were flooded. Not that it would have hit the president’s rawhide, he has ignored worse disasters – such as the kidnapping of his own relative.

Naija’s security is one of the best in the world. They are totally incapable of preventing any attacks. Their intelligence gathering is nil and in most cases, they cannot even protect themselves from assault. But what they lack in prevention, they make for in eye service. The nation’s secret service, the DSS, grabbed Omoyele Sowore whom they accused of going to Dubai to meet with others now at large to perfect plans to create Ayatollah-type of revolution in Naija.

Sowore remains under court-ordered 45 days detention – in the first instance. Someone somewhere has abducted, or is it arrested Abubakar Idris, aka Dadiyata. Unchecked social media activism could cause a revolution, and Aisha Yesufu got a Twitter shutdown last week.

In Kaduna where three law students of the Ahmadu Bello University, ABU were abducted in an evening raid on the Kaduna-Abuja highway, at least three others were executed on the spot. The kidnappers are not brave because they did not show up on the day Kaduna governor, Nasir el-Rufai was hunting them down. Unfortunately, el-Rufai has better things to do than relocate his office to the highway.

When news of the released students hit the media, Bashir Ahmad, an enthusiastic Sai Babarian was on the news celebrating another feat until Sadiq Ango punctured the narrative. Hear an anguished Ango ‘it took us 48 hours of negotiations with the kidnappers to secure the release of our sister to us, NOT the police (emphasis his). Ransom was paid in full as negotiated with the three families involved.”

Stories like these convince investors to keep rushing to Naija. Ours is a gun investor’s haven. Thanks to Sai Baba’s junkets, home problems have disappeared.