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My grandmother would have buried it (II)

Anyway, because of the World Cup season, this guy and I can freely talk about Nigeria now.  Following last week’s discussion, here are more ways…

Anyway, because of the World Cup season, this guy and I can freely talk about Nigeria now.  Following last week’s discussion, here are more ways one can have an enjoyable football themed discussion with a foreigner.

 You can compare the Nigerian players within their own team.  And one can start with Kaita.  As a student of karate, one can say that the kick that Kaita threw resembles Shoto Uke but it wasn’t well delivered if not the kicked dude will not clutch his head in such a spectacular gamesmanship, but his thigh, where he was indeed kicked. Nevertheless that bizarre moment provoked outrage around the globe and our team lost some of their goodwill as a consequence.  After the match, a newspaper headline described Kaita as “a stupid Eagle.” I think a few people outside Kaita’s family will disagree with that description.  However, the excitable Odewinge, as usual, produced beauty.  But the world is now shifting from beautiful football to winning tactics.   

Even Dunga, the coach of a team which symbolizes the term, said he wasn’t at the World Cup to dazzle but to win.  His captain later echoed his thoughts.   It’s surprising to remember that when Jose Mourinho started practicing the pragmatic tactical approach to winning games, everybody asked for his head.

Bob Holmes, a football columnist, once described Kanu as a player that could score impossible goals.  But when Kanu played against South Korea, he couldn’t score even the probable goals.  He may be influential in his team still but it’s obvious that age has not only caught up with him but has also overtaken him.  

When he was introduced into the team, a commentator said, “What the ….this guy is older than me!” That exclamation came from a guy in his 50s.  The introduction of Obinna showed the magic of youth.  His shots were clearly unstoppable – if only they were propelled a few degrees towards the goalkeeper.

There’s only one word that can adequately describe Obasi’s performance: inconsistent.  In one minute he was a lethal threat against the Argentina defense but in the next minute he couldn’t score the simplest of goals against Denmark.  The guy that did score goals was Good Boy Uche – thank you Uche.

But by far the best player in the squad and best goal keeper of the tournament – as far as I’m concerned is Enyeama.  Eyeama!  Messi will remember that name.  However, something seemed to have doused his lights towards the end of the group matches.  Probably it was the first of his goal keeping errors that gifted Denmark their second goal.  But he’s one of the few players that could be forgiven – the guy was quite entertaining.

When the foreigner you’re discussing with appears to be losing interest, one can spring the legendary name, Yakubu! Was he the best or the worst?  Didn’t he score the best penalty of the competition?  As far as I’m concerned his was better than those of Apiah.

But didn’t he also fail to score a goal that my grandmother – with her failing sight and shaky legs – would have buried?  The guy was so phenomenal that his name has been entered into an English dictionary – or so I was told.

Saiku, my Sierra Leonian friend sent me an email that claimed “Yakubu” is a new entry in the Oxford dictionary.  I don’t know where Saiku got the information but I wouldn’t put it past the Nigerians themselves because they’re gifted in the production of parodies like such.  Below is the entry.


YAKUBU (Ya-ku-bu)

v. Ya*ku*bu, Ya*ku*bu*ed, Ya*ku*bus

 1. To utterly squander once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, especially one that will cause pain to/mourning among millions of people

 2. To mistake a platter of gold for a potty, and to go ahead and defecate all over it, while millions watch in distress, dread and disbelief

 3. To be presented with an open door of success and to woefully fail to step in

 4. To lack the zest, fervour, and drive to complete the easiest of tasks

 5. To fail awfully at a very easy and uncomplicated task

 (Etymology: Derived from Yakubu Aiyegbeni’s horribly missed opportunities during Nigeria’s lackluster performance against South Korea at the 2010 Soccer World Cup)


 “Mrs. Marriage Counsellor, I am terribly pained! It was our wedding night! I was ready . . .But. . . But. . .He didn’t know what to do! I tried to help, but he Yakubu’ed!”

The entry is quite detailed but there’s no space to reproduce the entire thing here.

In conclusion, because of this season, a Nigerian, living in the Diaspora has a lot to discuss with people who know very little about Nigeria and thereby distracting them about our negative image.

PS: I’ve just heard that Mr. P has suspended the Super Eagles and un-suspended them.  I don’t know what that means.  But that’s another discussion prompt for ya!

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