Motherhood under domestic violence

Domestic violence knows no socio-economic, racial or religious boundaries. This eye sore occurs across society, regardless of age, gender, race, sexuality or wealth.

Women are mostly the victims of domestic violence which takes place in the homes. Mrs Ajoke Akinolu is a victim of domestic violence. She said she is not only concerned about herself but her kids too. “Violence is not just a one-party thing, it also affects the children. It affects them psychologically as they equally grow up to carry out such acts that they have witnessed in their formative years. I thought I could endure and even curtail my husband’s excesses but I had to make a decision that affected our lives by quitting the marriage. That was something I had to do to avert any terrible situation that might occur in future, because the rate at which he was going, it will reach a stage that I might react in a negative way, which might be unproductive.”

Domestic violence creates fear and insecurity in the children which makes them nervous thus less attentive to good parenting. They feel humiliated among friends too. Most women who face domestic violence often keep it to themselves. They are ashamed and embarrassed by the act. They are not sure where to turn to for help. They become less confident and fearful of doing anything which would aggravate the already tensed situation in the home.

According to the human rights group Amnesty International, at least one woman dies in the hands of their husbands or partner every hour resulting from domestic violence. The home is where we are supposed to feel safe and loved, protected and restored after a hard day’s job but for many, the home is not safe.

Men do fall victims of domestic abuse as well but not at the rate of which women do. We have heard stories of men who leave for work very early in the morning when there is no need to do so and also return very late even when they close from work earlier, simply because there is a nagging wife ever waiting to make an already stressful day more stressful. And at the end, it results to a fight, leaving the wife badly battered. The home then becomes a dangerous place where mental, physical or sexual suffering occurs, often on a regular basis. “I have learned to tolerate whatever he does for the sake of my children, for even if I decide to leave, where do I go to without my children? My children will suffer without me, so it is better for me to stay with them and see them through in life, if this is what I have to face for the sake of my children, so shall it be. I believe that all this is a passing face in life,” Eno John, explains in tears.

Domestic violence is one of the major social problems in our society today. Unhealthy behaviors can begin early in a relationship and last a life time. Domestic violence can cause a wide range of physical and emotional injuries and even death. There is nothing new about wife battering. It has always happened everywhere, women have been subjected to the whims and brutality of their husbands and it keeps getting worse.  Homes embroiled in domestic violence tend to pass on the idea of violence in their kids. These kids then grow with the perception that violence is the best way to resolve any aggrieved situation. These children are very likely to become abusers themselves and most times display criminal tendencies.

How do we now curb this menace of abusive husbands assaulting their wives? Members of the society and concerned media have a crucial role to play in dealing with the violence in the home. But before then, parents should and must device mechanisms for resolving any kind of conflict, no matter how thorny it may be, without recourse to violence no matter how insignificant it might seem to be.

We must handle conflicts in the home in a peaceful and mature way. Let there be zero tolerance for abuse and violence against women. There is no excuse for domestic violence, if we all denounce this anomaly, the future will be much brighter not only for the family but to the whole society as well.

Children depend on their parents for a safe, stable and loving environment. A situation where there is battering between the parents; attention is taken away from the children’s needs and focused on the violence.

Families need to maintain an open line of communication between all members of the family, where everyone is allowed to express oneself, this could be very helpful in resolving misunderstandings.

Dialoguing is also very important for couples; they should iron out their differences amicably in a compromising manner. And in doing so, it should not be construed to mean weakness by either of the party. It is very important to note that violence is a bad wind that blows no good. At least no one wants his/her child asking “mummy will daddy beat you today when he comes back home?” as Eno’s child asks whenever he sees his mother in a sober mood.