Mirror on the wall – Who’s Africa’s richest?

Their latest report positioned our dear President Jones as the sixth richest ruiner in black Africa. Someone mailed them the asset declaration form.
Now assuming that the guys have no access to NOI polls or Liebaron Maku, they were close enough to Levick, to certify that we get our prime position in the scale of things.
Imagine the insult of placing the wealth of my president in the league of small time looters who sneak their heist through backdoor outlets. Thoughts of guessimating my president’s wealth with those who’s annual GDP is sometimes less than that of a local government area in Bayelsa State benumbs. Only RichestLifestyle gauges the wealth of ruiners by the number of years they have stayed in power without checking the price of one Soku oil well in the parallel and official market. Or are we not warned to never compare apples with potatoes? Have they not heard the expression that  ‘Naija no dey carry last’?
At some moment, it is expected that the South Africans would attempt to compete with our own Nelson Mandela. They are ashamed that they cannot produce two Madiba in one century. President Jones’ middle name Goodluck has never disappointed him from the day his grandfather named him after the great Azikiwe. He was deputy governor, governor, vice-president, acting president and finally president on salaries that far outstrip the welfare packages given to Jacob Zuma who could not even furnish his own house without parliamentary heckling.
Surely, our president must be richer than those whose positions were bequeathed by accident of birth like King Mswati III of Swaziland and Mohammed VI of Morocco. Poll racism is evident when rival Forbes failed to give ‘the most beautiful first lady’ title to King Mswati’s latest catch. RichestLifestyle has no access to the PDP Bible. Chapter 50 verse 10 says ‘for every oil block is the president’s, the crude and the refined as well as the cattle on Obudu cattle ranch.’ They should have asked Orishajefo or Bishop Jonah Jang. To calibrate my president’s net worth at $100 million is a mathematical miscalculation. He has not declared his assets – yet!
Jacob Zuma may be a successful polygamist; he’ll be a fiscal management flop if he discountenances $15 million within a month for cheap popularity. Did he truly believe that we want to buy arms with that stash? Did Biafra buy Ogbunigwe from Armscor? If Zuma provokes Kaduna-based DICON into full operation, we will soon have a nuclear warhead precariously pointing at Cape Town harbor. Fifty years since it registered for business, Zuma may provoke DICON into exporting tanks and heavy arms to China.
In addition to shutting down all our mobile phones and shopping proclivities, we can forget the whole $15 million in anger. Extravagance is what makes us the giant of Africa. In all these deals, Zuma is the ultimate loser. His country could have been an investor’s destination now that Abacha has taught government officials not to keep money in Swiss banks. We have learnt not to put our ‘rainy day’ cash in places where we can be blackmailed, like Britain and America. Canada, which understands the logic that ‘shit money does not smell differently’, is too many refuel stations away.
Taking another look at the ratings; the dos Santos conglomerate of father and daughter managing Angolan diamonds oil and gemstones cannot compare to Naija’s superior oil power. Why? The Angolans need Portugal to breath; we don’t need Mama Charlie for anything except immigrant visa. RichestLifestyle swears that Zimbabwe’s Uncle Bob is worth only $10 million; we are waiting for Grace Mugabe to use her fast-food sociology doctorate to shatter that myth.
Let’s ask RichestLifestyle about Ali Modu Sheriff’s net worth if his Chadian business partner, Idriss Deby is worth only $50 million? Since King Mswati is worth only $100 million, we should appropriate his last wife and add her to Nnamdi Sambo’s harem. At double Derby’s tally, Old Paul Biya has to find out how many French coiffeur $100 million can get his hair-raising wife? Uhuru Kenyatta has to share his inherited $500 million stash with at least four siblings of the same mum if he’s worth half that by the time he’s freed from Den Haag.
Another RichestLifestyle lie is that Theodoro Obiang Nguema is worth only $600 million. What is the net worth of his son Teodorin? If we subtract Mohammed VI of Morocco’s $2.5 billion from NNPC’s missing $20 billion, we would still have enough change to rent a plane for Madam Globe. Lifestyle has edited the list; President Jones’ lawyers won’t be flying to New York. Great news, but mirror, mirror on the wall; who is Africa’s wealthiest ruiner?